By George Carlin
aruba-du, Ruba-tu, Ruba-tu. I Was Thinking About The Curse Words And The
Swear Words, The Cuss Words And The Words That You Can't Say, That
You're Not Supposed To Say All The Time, ['cause] Words Or People Into
Words Want To Hear Your Words. Some Guys Like To Record Your Words And
Sell Them Back To You If They Can, (laughter) Listen In On The Telephone,
Write Down What Words You Say. A Guy Who Used To Be In Washington
Knew That His Phone Was Tapped, Used To Answer, Fuck Hoover, Yes, Go
Ahead. (laughter) Okay, I Was Thinking One Night About The Words You
Couldn't Say On The Public, Ah, Airwaves, Um, The Ones You Definitely
Wouldn't Say, Ever, [']cause I Heard A Lady Say Bitch One Night On
Television, And It Was Cool Like She Was Talking About, You Know, Ah, Well,
The Bitch Is The First One To Notice That In The Litter Johnie Right
(murmur) Right. And, Uh, Bastard You Can Say, And Hell And Damn So I Have
To Figure Out Which Ones You Couldn't And Ever And It Came Down To
Seven But The List Is Open To Amendment, And In Fact, Has Been Changed,
Uh, By Now, Ha, A Lot Of People Pointed Things Out To Me, And I Noticed
Some Myself. The Original Seven Words Were, Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt,
Cocksucker, Motherfucker, And Tits. Those Are The Ones That Will Curve
Your Spine, Grow Hair On Your Hands And (laughter) Maybe, Even Bring Us,
God Help Us, Peace Without Honor (laughter) Um, And A Bourbon. (laughter)
And Now The First Thing That We Noticed Was That Word Fuck Was Really
Repeated In There Because The Word Motherfucker Is A Compound Word
And It's Another Form Of The Word Fuck. (laughter) You Want To Be A Purist
It Doesn't Really -- It Can't Be On The List Of Basic Words. Also, Cocksucker
Is A Compound Word And Neither Half Of That Is Really Dirty. The Word --
The Half Sucker That's Merely Suggestive (laughter) And The Word Cock Is A
Half-way Dirty Word, 50% Dirty -- Dirty Half The Time, Depending On What
You Mean By It. (laughter) Uh, Remember When You First Heard It, Like In
6th Grade, You Used To Giggle. And The Cock Crowed Three Times, Heh
(laughter) The Cock -- Three Times. It's In The Bible, Cock In The Bible.
(laughter) And The First Time You Heard About A Cock-fight, Remember --
What? Huh? Naw. It Ain't That, Are You Stupid? Man. (laughter, Clapping)
It's Chickens, You Know, (laughter) Then You Have The Four Letter Words
From The Old Anglo-saxon Fame. Uh, Shit And Fuck. The Word Shit, Uh, Is
An Interesting Kind Of Word In That The Middle Class Has Never Really
Accepted It And Approved It. They Use It Like, Crazy But It's Not Really
Okay. It's Still A Rude, Dirty, Old Kind Of Gushy Word. (laughter) They Don't
Like That, But They Say It, Like, They Say It Like, A Lady Now In A
Middle-class Home, You'll Hear Most Of The Time She Says It As An
Expletive, You Know, It's Out Of Her Mouth Before She Knows. She Says, Oh
Shit Oh Shit, (laughter) Oh Shit. If She Drops Something, Oh, The Shit Hurt
The Broccoli. Shit. Thank You. (footsteps Fading Away) (papers Ruffling)
Read It! (from Audience)
Shit! (laughter) I Won The Grammy, Man, For The Comedy Album. Isn't That
Groovy? (clapping, Whistling) (murmur) That's True. Thank You. Thank You
Man. Yeah. (murmur) (continuous Clapping) Thank You Man. Thank You.
Thank You Very Much, Man. Thank, No, (end Of Continuous Clapping) For
That And For The Grammy, Man, [']cause (laughter) That's Based On People
Liking It Man, Yeh, That's Ah, That's Okay Man. (laughter) Let's Let That Go,
Man. I Got My Grammy. I Can Let My Hair Hang Down Now, Shit. (laughter)
Ha! So! Now The Word Shit Is Okay For The Man. At Work You Can Say It
Like Crazy. Mostly Figuratively, Get That Shit Out Of Here, Will Ya? I Don't
Want To See That Shit Anymore. I Can't Cut That Shit, Buddy. I've Had That
Shit Up To Here. I Think You're Full Of Shit Myself. (laughter) He Don't Know
Shit From Shinola. (laughter) You Know That? (laughter) Always Wondered
How The Shinola People Feel About That (laughter) Hi, I'm The New Man
From Shinola. (laughter) Hi, How Are Ya? Nice To See Ya. (laughter) How Are
Ya? (laughter) Boy, I Don't Know Whether To Shit Or Wind My Watch.
(laughter) Guess, I'll Shit On My Watch. (laughter) Oh, The Shit Is Going To
Hit De Fan. (laughter) Built Like A Brick Shit-house. (laughter) Up, He's Up
Shit's Creek. (laughter) He's Had It. (laughter) He Hit Me, I'm Sorry.
(laughter) Hot Shit, Holy Shit, Tough Shit, Eat Shit, (laughter) Shit-eating
Grin. Uh, Whoever Thought Of That Was Ill. (murmur Laughter) He Had A
Shit-eating Grin! He Had A What? (laughter) Shit On A Stick. (laughter) Shit
In A Handbag. I Always Like That. He Ain't Worth Shit In A Handbag.
(laughter) Shitty. He Acted Real Shitty. (laughter) You Know What I Mean?
(laughter) I Got The Money Back, But A Real Shitty Attitude. Heh, He Had A
Shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I Wasn't There. (murmur,
Laughter) All The Animals -- Bull Shit, Horse Shit, Cow Shit, Rat Shit, Bat
Shit. (laughter) First Time I Heard Bat Shit, I Really Came Apart. A Guy In
Oklahoma, Boggs, Said It, Man. Aw! Bat Shit. (laughter) Vera Reminded Me
Of That Last Night, Ah (murmur). Snake Shit, Slicker Than Owl Shit.
(laughter) Get Your Shit Together. Shit Or Get Off The Pot. (laughter) I Got
A Shit-load Full Of Them. (laughter) I Got A Shit-pot Full, All Right.
Shit-head, Shit-heel, Shit In Your Heart, Shit For Brains, (laughter)
Shit-face, Heh (laughter) I Always Try To Think How That Could Have
Originated; The First Guy That Said That. Somebody Got Drunk And Fell In
Some Shit, You Know. (laughter) Hey, I'm Shit-face. (laughter) Shitface,
Today. (laughter) Anyway, Enough Of That Shit. (laughter) The Big One, The
Word Fuck That's The One That Hangs Them Up The Most. [']cause In A Lot
Of Cases That's The Very Act That Hangs Them Up The Most. So, It's
Natural That The Word Would, Uh, Have The Same Effect. It's A Great Word,
Fuck, Nice Word, Easy Word, Cute Word, Kind Of. Easy Word To Say. One
Syllable, Short U. (laughter) Fuck. (murmur) You Know, It's Easy. Starts With
A Nice Soft Sound Fuh Ends With A Kuh. Right? (laughter) A Little Something
For Everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good Word. Kind Of A Proud Word, Too. Who
Are You? I Am Fuck. (laughter) Fuck Of The Mountain. (laughter) Tune In
Again Next Week To Fuck Of The Mountain. (laughter) It's An Interesting
Word Too, [']cause It's Got A Double Kind Of A Life -- Personality -- Dual,
You Know, Whatever The Right Phrase Is. It Leads A Double Life, The Word
Fuck. First Of All, It Means, Sometimes, Most Of The Time, Fuck. What Does
It Mean? It Means To Make Love. Right? We're Going To Make Love, Yeh,
We're Going To Fuck, Yeh, We're Going To Fuck, Yeh, We're Going To Make
Love. (laughter) We're Really Going To Fuck, Yeah, We're Going To Make
Love. Right? And It Also Means The Beginning Of Life, It's The Act That
Begins Life, So There's The Word Hanging Around With Words Like Love, And
Life, And Yet On The Other Hand, It's Also A Word That We Really Use To
Hurt Each Other With, Man. It's A Heavy. It's One That You Have Toward
The End Of The Argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You Finally Can't
Make Out. Oh, Fuck You Man. I Said, Fuck You. (laughter, Murmur) Stupid
Fuck. (laughter) Fuck You And Everybody That Looks Like You. (laughter)
Man. It Would Be Nice To Change The Movies That We Already Have And
Substitute The Word Fuck For The Word Kill, Wherever We Could, And Some
Of Those Movie Cliches Would Change A Little Bit. Madfuckers Still On The
Loose. Stop Me Before I Fuck Again. Fuck The Ump, Fuck The Ump, Fuck The
Ump, Fuck The Ump, Fuck The Ump. Easy On The Clutch Bill, You'll Fuck That
Engine Again. (laughter) The Other Shit One Was, I Don't Give A Shit. Like
It's Worth Something, You Know? (laughter) I Don't Give A Shit. Hey, Well, I
Don't Take No Shit, (laughter) You Know What I Mean? You Know Why I
Don't Take No Shit? (laughter) [']cause I Don't Give A Shit. (laughter) If I
Give A Shit, I Would Have To Pack Shit. (laughter) But I Don't Pack No Shit
Cause I Don't Give A Shit. (laughter) You Wouldn't Shit Me, Would You?
(laughter) That's A Joke When You're A Kid With A Worm Looking Out The
Bird's Ass. You Wouldn't Shit Me, Would You? (laughter) It's An Eight-
year-old Joke But A Good One. (laughter) The Additions To The List. I Found
Three More Words That Had To Be Put On The List Of Words You Could
Never Say On Television, And They Were Fart, Turd And Twat, Those Three.
(laughter) Fart, We Talked About, It's Harmless It's Like Tits, It's A Cutie
Word, No Problem. Turd, You Can't Say But Who Wants To, You Know?
(laughter) The Subject Never Comes Up On The Panel So I'm Not Worried
About That One. Now The Word Twat Is An Interesting Word. Twat! Yeh,
Right In The Twat. (laughter) Twat Is An Interesting Word Because It's The
Only One I Know Of, The Only Slang Word Applying To The, A Part Of The
Sexual Anatomy That Doesn't Have Another Meaning To It. Like, Ah, Snatch,
Box And Pussy All Have Other Meanings, Man. Even In A Walt Disney Movie,
You Can Say, We're Going To Snatch That Pussy And Put Him In A Box And
Bring Him On The Airplane. (murmur, Laughter) Everybody Loves It. The Twat
Stands Alone, Man, As It Should. And Two-way Words. Ah, Ass Is Okay
Providing You're Riding Into Town On A Religious Feast Day. (laughter) You
Can't Say, Up Your Ass. (laughter) You Can Say, Stuff It! (murmur) There
Are Certain Things You Can Say Its Weird But You Can Just Come So Close.
Before I Cut, I, Uh, Want To, Ah, Thank You For Listening To My Words,
Man, Fellow, Uh Space Travelers. Thank You Man For Tonight And Thank You
Also. (clapping Whistling)
aruba-du, Ruba-tu, Ruba-tu. I Was Thinking About The Curse Words And The
Swear Words, The Cuss Words And The Words That You Can't Say, That
You're Not Supposed To Say All The Time, ['cause] Words Or People Into
Words Want To Hear Your Words. Some Guys Like To Record Your Words And
Sell Them Back To You If They Can, (laughter) Listen In On The Telephone,
Write Down What Words You Say. A Guy Who Used To Be In Washington
Knew That His Phone Was Tapped, Used To Answer, Fuck Hoover, Yes, Go
Ahead. (laughter) Okay, I Was Thinking One Night About The Words You
Couldn't Say On The Public, Ah, Airwaves, Um, The Ones You Definitely
Wouldn't Say, Ever, [']cause I Heard A Lady Say Bitch One Night On
Television, And It Was Cool Like She Was Talking About, You Know, Ah, Well,
The Bitch Is The First One To Notice That In The Litter Johnie Right
(murmur) Right. And, Uh, Bastard You Can Say, And Hell And Damn So I Have
To Figure Out Which Ones You Couldn't And Ever And It Came Down To
Seven But The List Is Open To Amendment, And In Fact, Has Been Changed,
Uh, By Now, Ha, A Lot Of People Pointed Things Out To Me, And I Noticed
Some Myself. The Original Seven Words Were, Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt,
Cocksucker, Motherfucker, And Tits. Those Are The Ones That Will Curve
Your Spine, Grow Hair On Your Hands And (laughter) Maybe, Even Bring Us,
God Help Us, Peace Without Honor (laughter) Um, And A Bourbon. (laughter)
And Now The First Thing That We Noticed Was That Word Fuck Was Really
Repeated In There Because The Word Motherfucker Is A Compound Word
And It's Another Form Of The Word Fuck. (laughter) You Want To Be A Purist
It Doesn't Really -- It Can't Be On The List Of Basic Words. Also, Cocksucker
Is A Compound Word And Neither Half Of That Is Really Dirty. The Word --
The Half Sucker That's Merely Suggestive (laughter) And The Word Cock Is A
Half-way Dirty Word, 50% Dirty -- Dirty Half The Time, Depending On What
You Mean By It. (laughter) Uh, Remember When You First Heard It, Like In
6th Grade, You Used To Giggle. And The Cock Crowed Three Times, Heh
(laughter) The Cock -- Three Times. It's In The Bible, Cock In The Bible.
(laughter) And The First Time You Heard About A Cock-fight, Remember --
What? Huh? Naw. It Ain't That, Are You Stupid? Man. (laughter, Clapping)
It's Chickens, You Know, (laughter) Then You Have The Four Letter Words
From The Old Anglo-saxon Fame. Uh, Shit And Fuck. The Word Shit, Uh, Is
An Interesting Kind Of Word In That The Middle Class Has Never Really
Accepted It And Approved It. They Use It Like, Crazy But It's Not Really
Okay. It's Still A Rude, Dirty, Old Kind Of Gushy Word. (laughter) They Don't
Like That, But They Say It, Like, They Say It Like, A Lady Now In A
Middle-class Home, You'll Hear Most Of The Time She Says It As An
Expletive, You Know, It's Out Of Her Mouth Before She Knows. She Says, Oh
Shit Oh Shit, (laughter) Oh Shit. If She Drops Something, Oh, The Shit Hurt
The Broccoli. Shit. Thank You. (footsteps Fading Away) (papers Ruffling)
Read It! (from Audience)
Shit! (laughter) I Won The Grammy, Man, For The Comedy Album. Isn't That
Groovy? (clapping, Whistling) (murmur) That's True. Thank You. Thank You
Man. Yeah. (murmur) (continuous Clapping) Thank You Man. Thank You.
Thank You Very Much, Man. Thank, No, (end Of Continuous Clapping) For
That And For The Grammy, Man, [']cause (laughter) That's Based On People
Liking It Man, Yeh, That's Ah, That's Okay Man. (laughter) Let's Let That Go,
Man. I Got My Grammy. I Can Let My Hair Hang Down Now, Shit. (laughter)
Ha! So! Now The Word Shit Is Okay For The Man. At Work You Can Say It
Like Crazy. Mostly Figuratively, Get That Shit Out Of Here, Will Ya? I Don't
Want To See That Shit Anymore. I Can't Cut That Shit, Buddy. I've Had That
Shit Up To Here. I Think You're Full Of Shit Myself. (laughter) He Don't Know
Shit From Shinola. (laughter) You Know That? (laughter) Always Wondered
How The Shinola People Feel About That (laughter) Hi, I'm The New Man
From Shinola. (laughter) Hi, How Are Ya? Nice To See Ya. (laughter) How Are
Ya? (laughter) Boy, I Don't Know Whether To Shit Or Wind My Watch.
(laughter) Guess, I'll Shit On My Watch. (laughter) Oh, The Shit Is Going To
Hit De Fan. (laughter) Built Like A Brick Shit-house. (laughter) Up, He's Up
Shit's Creek. (laughter) He's Had It. (laughter) He Hit Me, I'm Sorry.
(laughter) Hot Shit, Holy Shit, Tough Shit, Eat Shit, (laughter) Shit-eating
Grin. Uh, Whoever Thought Of That Was Ill. (murmur Laughter) He Had A
Shit-eating Grin! He Had A What? (laughter) Shit On A Stick. (laughter) Shit
In A Handbag. I Always Like That. He Ain't Worth Shit In A Handbag.
(laughter) Shitty. He Acted Real Shitty. (laughter) You Know What I Mean?
(laughter) I Got The Money Back, But A Real Shitty Attitude. Heh, He Had A
Shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I Wasn't There. (murmur,
Laughter) All The Animals -- Bull Shit, Horse Shit, Cow Shit, Rat Shit, Bat
Shit. (laughter) First Time I Heard Bat Shit, I Really Came Apart. A Guy In
Oklahoma, Boggs, Said It, Man. Aw! Bat Shit. (laughter) Vera Reminded Me
Of That Last Night, Ah (murmur). Snake Shit, Slicker Than Owl Shit.
(laughter) Get Your Shit Together. Shit Or Get Off The Pot. (laughter) I Got
A Shit-load Full Of Them. (laughter) I Got A Shit-pot Full, All Right.
Shit-head, Shit-heel, Shit In Your Heart, Shit For Brains, (laughter)
Shit-face, Heh (laughter) I Always Try To Think How That Could Have
Originated; The First Guy That Said That. Somebody Got Drunk And Fell In
Some Shit, You Know. (laughter) Hey, I'm Shit-face. (laughter) Shitface,
Today. (laughter) Anyway, Enough Of That Shit. (laughter) The Big One, The
Word Fuck That's The One That Hangs Them Up The Most. [']cause In A Lot
Of Cases That's The Very Act That Hangs Them Up The Most. So, It's
Natural That The Word Would, Uh, Have The Same Effect. It's A Great Word,
Fuck, Nice Word, Easy Word, Cute Word, Kind Of. Easy Word To Say. One
Syllable, Short U. (laughter) Fuck. (murmur) You Know, It's Easy. Starts With
A Nice Soft Sound Fuh Ends With A Kuh. Right? (laughter) A Little Something
For Everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good Word. Kind Of A Proud Word, Too. Who
Are You? I Am Fuck. (laughter) Fuck Of The Mountain. (laughter) Tune In
Again Next Week To Fuck Of The Mountain. (laughter) It's An Interesting
Word Too, [']cause It's Got A Double Kind Of A Life -- Personality -- Dual,
You Know, Whatever The Right Phrase Is. It Leads A Double Life, The Word
Fuck. First Of All, It Means, Sometimes, Most Of The Time, Fuck. What Does
It Mean? It Means To Make Love. Right? We're Going To Make Love, Yeh,
We're Going To Fuck, Yeh, We're Going To Fuck, Yeh, We're Going To Make
Love. (laughter) We're Really Going To Fuck, Yeah, We're Going To Make
Love. Right? And It Also Means The Beginning Of Life, It's The Act That
Begins Life, So There's The Word Hanging Around With Words Like Love, And
Life, And Yet On The Other Hand, It's Also A Word That We Really Use To
Hurt Each Other With, Man. It's A Heavy. It's One That You Have Toward
The End Of The Argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You Finally Can't
Make Out. Oh, Fuck You Man. I Said, Fuck You. (laughter, Murmur) Stupid
Fuck. (laughter) Fuck You And Everybody That Looks Like You. (laughter)
Man. It Would Be Nice To Change The Movies That We Already Have And
Substitute The Word Fuck For The Word Kill, Wherever We Could, And Some
Of Those Movie Cliches Would Change A Little Bit. Madfuckers Still On The
Loose. Stop Me Before I Fuck Again. Fuck The Ump, Fuck The Ump, Fuck The
Ump, Fuck The Ump, Fuck The Ump. Easy On The Clutch Bill, You'll Fuck That
Engine Again. (laughter) The Other Shit One Was, I Don't Give A Shit. Like
It's Worth Something, You Know? (laughter) I Don't Give A Shit. Hey, Well, I
Don't Take No Shit, (laughter) You Know What I Mean? You Know Why I
Don't Take No Shit? (laughter) [']cause I Don't Give A Shit. (laughter) If I
Give A Shit, I Would Have To Pack Shit. (laughter) But I Don't Pack No Shit
Cause I Don't Give A Shit. (laughter) You Wouldn't Shit Me, Would You?
(laughter) That's A Joke When You're A Kid With A Worm Looking Out The
Bird's Ass. You Wouldn't Shit Me, Would You? (laughter) It's An Eight-
year-old Joke But A Good One. (laughter) The Additions To The List. I Found
Three More Words That Had To Be Put On The List Of Words You Could
Never Say On Television, And They Were Fart, Turd And Twat, Those Three.
(laughter) Fart, We Talked About, It's Harmless It's Like Tits, It's A Cutie
Word, No Problem. Turd, You Can't Say But Who Wants To, You Know?
(laughter) The Subject Never Comes Up On The Panel So I'm Not Worried
About That One. Now The Word Twat Is An Interesting Word. Twat! Yeh,
Right In The Twat. (laughter) Twat Is An Interesting Word Because It's The
Only One I Know Of, The Only Slang Word Applying To The, A Part Of The
Sexual Anatomy That Doesn't Have Another Meaning To It. Like, Ah, Snatch,
Box And Pussy All Have Other Meanings, Man. Even In A Walt Disney Movie,
You Can Say, We're Going To Snatch That Pussy And Put Him In A Box And
Bring Him On The Airplane. (murmur, Laughter) Everybody Loves It. The Twat
Stands Alone, Man, As It Should. And Two-way Words. Ah, Ass Is Okay
Providing You're Riding Into Town On A Religious Feast Day. (laughter) You
Can't Say, Up Your Ass. (laughter) You Can Say, Stuff It! (murmur) There
Are Certain Things You Can Say Its Weird But You Can Just Come So Close.
Before I Cut, I, Uh, Want To, Ah, Thank You For Listening To My Words,
Man, Fellow, Uh Space Travelers. Thank You Man For Tonight And Thank You
Also. (clapping Whistling)
