Grumpy mom

Sandra

New Member
Messages
630
Location
Spain
Venting about my mother deserves its own thread, lol.

Since two years ago, she's acting like a cranky oldwoman even if she's only 52. I guess it's normal, because she has gone through many sad things during this time. I try to support her as much as I can, but everything has a limit especially when you see your concern only helps to be taken advantage of.

She's a pain especially when regarding to money. My mother was never stingy like that, but lately it seems that I can't spend money in anything that isn't absolutely necessary. She sends me 250€ every month to help me to pay the rent, which I appreciate a lot, but it looks like just because she gives me some she has total control over all my money.

For example, I left my job a month earlier than I thought at first (I worked part-time at a pizza restaurant and was paid about 250€/month, so it wasn't a really big difference) because I was moving and I wanted a free month to pack up my things without rushing, and also wanted to do a four days trip with some friends. When I told her she started to complain, asking me if could afford something like that, etc. Ok, it was an extra expense, but I think I have the right to manage MY money the way I want, especially when I spent the whole year working and studying, damn, I think I deserved a break!

I spent the summer in my mother's house to keep her in company as long as I could, because she lives alone. She insisted about getting a summer job but I didn't think it was necessary for my economy. So she said that then I had to help her with the cleaning, thing I was thinking to do anyway (it was the least I could do). And then she asks me to clean a bathroom that hasn't been cleaned in at least months. Isn't it a bit weird to ask your daughter that you haven't seen in such a long time to clean the most disgusting room in the house? I can only think it was revenge for not getting a job.

While I was there she told me not to buy any more geckos because they were an extra expense. It wasn't a suggestion, it was more like a prohibition. What? Are you telling me how I must spend MY money?

I've told her several times to stop sending me money if it is such a big sacrifice for her. Not only for her, but also for me, because I don't want her to think that just because I accept her money she has the right to tell my what I must or mustn't do. But she insists on it. And inmediatly after she starts complaining about how many debts she has and that kind of thing.

Fankly, I don't think she's that bad. Or there's something I don't know, like a very huge debt that she has kept away from me... Or there is something very wrong with her because she is a Government employee with a significant salary and every once in a while I see her giving herself teats like handbags, clothes... Many things have happened and I know she's not in the best financial position ever, but I don't think she's all that bad.

I bought some new geckos in september, but I didn't tell her until yesterday. I'm writing this thread because our conversation was the last straw.

I lied to her and told I bought them this month as a late Xmas present for myself, and because me and my boyfriend earned more than 1000€ this month between our jobs, presents (our families usually give us money so we bought what we want) etc, that counting the rent, bills, and other expenses. I hoped that softened the blow a bit.

But no, the first thing she asked was how much they cost. I answered that I wasn't going to tell her, because she was too stingy (ok, maybe I shouldn't have said it like that. After I explained that I meant that she cared too much about money and didn't want to upset her). I implied, wish I didn't have to, that breeding them I could make some money, so she would see it from another point of view. But her answer was that I could re-sell them all at an higher price so I could make money without having to wait.

I don't know exactly why but that comment especially hurt me. I thought she did understand how important my geckos are to me, to think I would just sell them like that... :(

I told her that I was going to her house for 10 days in February. Going back to my homeland, seeing my family... are supposed to be happy things but instead of that I'm afraid to be with my mom because I know she will react badly to anything I say. I can't tell her the way I feel because I don't want to make her any more miserable and I only have to cope with it once in a while. So instead I'm venting here. She has an exam during that week (she's doing a degree too) so I guess she'll spend plenty of time studying and I won't have to be with her that much. After that I can invite her to the cinema, or a restaurant or somehing and hope she can forget about her worries even if it's just a little time. I just hope she doesn't tell me it is a waste of money :main_thumbsdown:
 

BettaDragon

New Member
Messages
507
Location
NJ
My friend actually had a problem very similar to yours. He was living with his mother simply to help her around the house (because she's too overweight to take care of it herself). He got a $200 phone bill for talking to his girlfriend which he was fully intent upon paying the bill. That wasn't good enough for his mother, she kept him in the house and threatened him with a baseball bat when he tried to leave. She also told him because of the phone bill that he had to break up with his girlfriend. As soon as his mother went out, he packed up and moved out and cut all communication with her for a month. When he came back his mom was much more polite to both him and his girlfriend. When you're legally an adult and your parents try to take over your life just cut off contact for a while. Show them you're your own person and that you don't need them and that them acting like they own you is unacceptable. That's just my opinion on the matter. I hope it doesn't offend.
 

Sandra

New Member
Messages
630
Location
Spain
It didn't offend at all :) Sometimes I wish I could just cut off contact like that but if I did my mom would have a heart attack. Last year my sister was missing for some time and when she came back she had a mental breakdown and cocaine overdose (for those who knew and were wondering, she's way better now and she's working and studying even if she's not too good at it). It would scare her to death if I was missing too.

Anyway, I don't want to let her know my discomfort and add a 'my daughter is mad at me' to her drama. Just needed to vent a little to keep bearing it. Thanks :)
 

Sandra

New Member
Messages
630
Location
Spain
I didn't post earlier about it, but for some reason, my mother hasn't brought up the money topic since that time. The time I spent at her house was quite pleasant.

I guess she didn't like that I refused to talk about money with her, she realized that she had to hold back a little.
 
C

Cheaton

Guest
Just 2 cents from the other side. Saving money is very important. It's not about barely making it, it's about bringing in more than you spend. $1000 euros is not alot of money. I wish, when I was 20 years old, I had someone pushing me to save money. I'd be in a much better position now. It's true, it's your business what you do with your money. But life is not about having everything you want. Life is about making sure you can always have the things you need. If you're not putting money away now, and I don't mean tons, just alittle here and there you're doing yourself a grave injustice. If you're having to wait for your next paycheck to buy groceries, you're spending too much. Bottom line, save money, don't spend every dime you get. Learn what the difference is between what you want and what you need. My wife and I make a relatively small income in a very expensive place to live and manage to put away 1/3 to 1/2 of what we make every month. We have 1 dog and 1 leo. It's better to be stingy with money than liberal. I know what it's like to be out on your own, you're making money, you see all of these nice things you want and the money in your pocket gives you puupy dog eyes and says "spend me!". But you have to resist. I'm not saying don't live, or don't have fun. But, don't live paycheck to paycheck. Learn to live below your means so you never have to scrape change together for groceries. Been there, done that, never going back. I can't tell you how nice it is to have the security of knowing I can get anything I NEED at any time.
 
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Golden Gate Geckos

Mean Old Gecko Lady
Messages
12,730
Location
SF Bay Area
A few things come to mind... (I am a 53 year old cranky woman, too)! First of all, she may be suffering from the hormonal imbalance that comes with menopause. Mood swings, and other emotional upsets are common, and will pass eventually. I know I felt like my skin was on inside out, and was agitated easily.

The second thing that may be contributing to her obsession with money matters is, when we reach our age we begin worry about our financial futures more than ever. When we are in our 50's, it suddenly hits us between the eyes that we only have about 25 years left of our lives... and time passes so much more quickly the older we get.

I can speak for myself, but I do not discuss our finances with our kids. Perhaps your mother has financial trouble that you are unaware of?

Just try be patient with her.
 

Sandra

New Member
Messages
630
Location
Spain
Cheaton, I consider myself quite wise with the money. I know 1000€ (about 1450$) is no fortune, but I think it's quite an archievement for someone my age to pay her bills, rent, vet treatment for one of my animals, christmas presents, etc... and in the end of the month, have still 1000€ to save.

I always have a few thousand € saved just in case I had any great and unexpected expense, and always try to save a little hundred more every month. I'm somewhat stingy too, but I think that spending some money in having fun every once in a while is not that bad as my mother sees it, specially when I only do that if I have my back covered.

I've read your thread about impulsive buying pets, and I totally agree with you. You won't see me whining over any expenses I've made buying complements for my reptiles or paying vet visits; I pay them with gusto.

I thank you for your advices. But I don't want you to think I'm an impulsive buyer or something like that ;)

Marcia, while I was there I seriously asked her if there was anything regarding money I was unaware of, and she swore there wasn't. If she is lying, I can't know. But I think it's more likely the first you said, the menopause isn't treating her well. I hope she calms down a bit with time.
 

moosassah

New Member
Messages
2,181
Location
Weymouth MA
Most moms are crazy. That's what happens to us when we have kids :)

You should take pride in the fact that at 20 you are sensible enough to be able to live on your own & not take handouts. If your mom refuses to stop sending the money then ask her to put it in an account for a future expense like your first house. Or save it up & send your mom on a great vacation.
 

gothra

Happy Gecko Family
Messages
3,790
Location
HK
I dont' know if this will make you feel better, but I'm 33 and married and my mom still tries to control my everything...including my hairstyle! Most of the time, I'll just try to keep her happy. This is because she has a really bad relationship with my grandma, if she is not happy, then she'll get mad at my grandma...not directly shouting at my grandma though, but screaming at my dad! So, just for the benefits of my dad, I usually will listen to her and keep her happy...
 

BalloonzForU

New Member
Messages
7,573
Location
Grand Blanc, MI
Bonnie that is just one of the reasons that at 32 I had enough and stopped talking to my mom. Even after her moving 1,000 miles away it still wasn't enough to keep her from trying to run my life!

It's one thing for a mom to suggest things but to down right blow up and start name calling because you won't do what she wants..... Not going to happen.
 

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