VampyricAngelX
New Member
- Messages
- 785
- Location
- Maryland
Not really a rant, definitely not a rave... more or less writing because it helps me feel a bit better. Just been feeling really lonely, even though my life is perfectly fine. Nothing majorly bad or stressful has happened, I just feel sort of empty. I guess the main reason is that for about a year the girl I've been best friends with since age 3 and I haven't spoken to each other. I think about her everyday and miss her so much but I wouldn't know how to get a hold of her even if I felt like I could talk to her. Why? Long story...
I guess it started a few years ago when I introduced her to a friend I had. Soon my best friend started dating my friend (who is another girl, and I have no problem with that. Gay/bi people never bother me, then or now). It was fine in the beginning but soon my best friend (her name is Ciara, so I'll just say that from now on) began to push me away and "ditch" me. They break up, we start talking again. Figured it was a one time thing, and everyone makes stupid decisions now and then, plus she was too important to me not to forgive. But it wasn't a one time thing. Things were fine when she dated guys (she was into both, but often declared she was full lesbian before dating guys all over. I just personally think she doesn't know what she wants yet) or was single. The problem of her making plans with me and ditching them, or going months without speaking to me (she always moved around alot, so it was hard to keep track of her. I've had the same house phone number for my whole life so it was always easier for her to call me, though I tried to call her when I could to make it an even effort) came back whenever she was with a girl.
Fast forward this cycle to last year and out of nowhere people tell me she's been saying that I hate her for dating girls and that I was the one ignoring her when she was with them. Which confuses me and hurts because I never cared who she was with, as long as she was happy. I tried talking to her about it and she just accused me again. The last conversations we had were about returning things that belonged to each other (she had some clothes of mine, I had some things of hers, etc. - which we also never followed through with) but then she just kind of disappeared after that. I have heard bits of random news about her from people we both knew but the last thing I heard was that she was pregnant and living in Virginia.
I know I should just move on and forget, and I try, I really do. It just doesn't seem as easy as it sounds. Especially when there are so many things that remind me of her, from songs we both loved, places that we considered "our spots", and just about anything you could think of. I've deleted pictures, messages, etc. from her but in the end all of that doesn't matter. Our memories play in my mind frequently. To most people who know me, I seem fine. And most of the time I am. I live life and am generally happy. But sometimes on nights like these where I'm just alone in my room memories of her creep into my mind and are hard to force away.
I hate that something so petty is the reason we're not friends anymore. We've been through so much together, so many good times, so many heartbreaks, times where we were the only ones eachother could turn to, times where there would be completely nothing to do but walk around the neighborhood aimlessly armed with a camera and we'd take pictures until the memory card was filled, days dancing and running around while it was pouring down rain... We had a list of "our songs" that either held some meaning for us both, or we just both loved. Had movies that we both adored and would turn cold, winter nights into movie marathons and sharing blue Gatorade and ice cream. Just so many things that we only did with eachother.
Blah yea, just stupid crap but oh well.
I guess it started a few years ago when I introduced her to a friend I had. Soon my best friend started dating my friend (who is another girl, and I have no problem with that. Gay/bi people never bother me, then or now). It was fine in the beginning but soon my best friend (her name is Ciara, so I'll just say that from now on) began to push me away and "ditch" me. They break up, we start talking again. Figured it was a one time thing, and everyone makes stupid decisions now and then, plus she was too important to me not to forgive. But it wasn't a one time thing. Things were fine when she dated guys (she was into both, but often declared she was full lesbian before dating guys all over. I just personally think she doesn't know what she wants yet) or was single. The problem of her making plans with me and ditching them, or going months without speaking to me (she always moved around alot, so it was hard to keep track of her. I've had the same house phone number for my whole life so it was always easier for her to call me, though I tried to call her when I could to make it an even effort) came back whenever she was with a girl.
Fast forward this cycle to last year and out of nowhere people tell me she's been saying that I hate her for dating girls and that I was the one ignoring her when she was with them. Which confuses me and hurts because I never cared who she was with, as long as she was happy. I tried talking to her about it and she just accused me again. The last conversations we had were about returning things that belonged to each other (she had some clothes of mine, I had some things of hers, etc. - which we also never followed through with) but then she just kind of disappeared after that. I have heard bits of random news about her from people we both knew but the last thing I heard was that she was pregnant and living in Virginia.
I know I should just move on and forget, and I try, I really do. It just doesn't seem as easy as it sounds. Especially when there are so many things that remind me of her, from songs we both loved, places that we considered "our spots", and just about anything you could think of. I've deleted pictures, messages, etc. from her but in the end all of that doesn't matter. Our memories play in my mind frequently. To most people who know me, I seem fine. And most of the time I am. I live life and am generally happy. But sometimes on nights like these where I'm just alone in my room memories of her creep into my mind and are hard to force away.
I hate that something so petty is the reason we're not friends anymore. We've been through so much together, so many good times, so many heartbreaks, times where we were the only ones eachother could turn to, times where there would be completely nothing to do but walk around the neighborhood aimlessly armed with a camera and we'd take pictures until the memory card was filled, days dancing and running around while it was pouring down rain... We had a list of "our songs" that either held some meaning for us both, or we just both loved. Had movies that we both adored and would turn cold, winter nights into movie marathons and sharing blue Gatorade and ice cream. Just so many things that we only did with eachother.
Blah yea, just stupid crap but oh well.
