I feel hopeless and foolish at the same time. While my problems might not compare to someone else's they are making me feel as if my life is over and if it just won't end.. I'm at the end where I'm about to jump into the train tracks and call it quits.
Last year I was excepted in a University with a pretty good financial package doing exactly what I wanted. My friends through a Surprise Birthday Party for me and life felt GREAT! I was happy as I think I had ever been. Life felt as if it was finally on track and I was doing good until the unthinkable happened.. I was diagnosed with an incurable illness in October. While I'm not going to get into what it is, it shattered my world! I never even had a cavity so it was a complete shock!
My doctor assured me that I could live a happy long life with the condition and I just had to monitor it and if it ever cause for concern there was treatment that would help ease its effects. I thought I was fine and I thought I could take the good with the bad and move on but I guess I was wrong. As the months passed I became overwhelmed, unfocused and entirely confused but I kept telling myself I was okay. My grades started slipping even though I was trying my hardest but I kept telling myself I'm OK and I'll just take the winter break to bring myself back together in preparation for the following semester that was jam packed with a heavy course load. The new semester started and it was good at first but then midterms, papers, projects, etc started happening and I was slowly spinning out of control. I even had to drop a few classes to just keep my head above water. Time passed and my GPA got a really bad hit and I just couldn't believe it, I thought I had been doing my best. My advisor/dean reassured me that everything would be alright but financial aid wasn't as forgiving. The revoked my scholarship and expect me to pay $10,004! When my mom makes a little move $20,000 and they refuse to give me any other type of aid because as the Financial Aid Supervisor told me "You Screwed yourself." If that's the case I can't continue on with this semester, meaning I'm going to have to be out for the entire semester with nothing to do because I can't find a job around here. Then transfer into a City school that is within my prices range, because while $10,000 might not seem like a lot of money to a few people it's everything to my family because we don't have money coming out of our ears especially for just one semester!
Now I'm sitting here not knowing which way is up, feeling as if I'm at my breaking point. Just a year ago my life was almost picture perfect but today I rather just call it quits and die. I'm tired of crying, waking up with panic attacks in the middle of the night and waking up with anxiety every morning. I cry at least 3times a day, I can hardly eat or sleep and I'm totally terrified as to what tomorrow will bring. I'm scared of what might happen if I continue on this downhill path. I'm trying very hard to hold on to hold on to what ever sanity and hope I have left but right now but I feel it slowly slipping and I'm afraid of that will lead to. I was honestly in the train station today just looking at the tracks think when that train comes I can just jump and it'll be all over but I luckily caught myself and came back to reality. I really don't know what else to do..
Last year I was excepted in a University with a pretty good financial package doing exactly what I wanted. My friends through a Surprise Birthday Party for me and life felt GREAT! I was happy as I think I had ever been. Life felt as if it was finally on track and I was doing good until the unthinkable happened.. I was diagnosed with an incurable illness in October. While I'm not going to get into what it is, it shattered my world! I never even had a cavity so it was a complete shock!
My doctor assured me that I could live a happy long life with the condition and I just had to monitor it and if it ever cause for concern there was treatment that would help ease its effects. I thought I was fine and I thought I could take the good with the bad and move on but I guess I was wrong. As the months passed I became overwhelmed, unfocused and entirely confused but I kept telling myself I was okay. My grades started slipping even though I was trying my hardest but I kept telling myself I'm OK and I'll just take the winter break to bring myself back together in preparation for the following semester that was jam packed with a heavy course load. The new semester started and it was good at first but then midterms, papers, projects, etc started happening and I was slowly spinning out of control. I even had to drop a few classes to just keep my head above water. Time passed and my GPA got a really bad hit and I just couldn't believe it, I thought I had been doing my best. My advisor/dean reassured me that everything would be alright but financial aid wasn't as forgiving. The revoked my scholarship and expect me to pay $10,004! When my mom makes a little move $20,000 and they refuse to give me any other type of aid because as the Financial Aid Supervisor told me "You Screwed yourself." If that's the case I can't continue on with this semester, meaning I'm going to have to be out for the entire semester with nothing to do because I can't find a job around here. Then transfer into a City school that is within my prices range, because while $10,000 might not seem like a lot of money to a few people it's everything to my family because we don't have money coming out of our ears especially for just one semester!
Now I'm sitting here not knowing which way is up, feeling as if I'm at my breaking point. Just a year ago my life was almost picture perfect but today I rather just call it quits and die. I'm tired of crying, waking up with panic attacks in the middle of the night and waking up with anxiety every morning. I cry at least 3times a day, I can hardly eat or sleep and I'm totally terrified as to what tomorrow will bring. I'm scared of what might happen if I continue on this downhill path. I'm trying very hard to hold on to hold on to what ever sanity and hope I have left but right now but I feel it slowly slipping and I'm afraid of that will lead to. I was honestly in the train station today just looking at the tracks think when that train comes I can just jump and it'll be all over but I luckily caught myself and came back to reality. I really don't know what else to do..
