Everything FUCKING sucks!

[dragonflyreptiles]

I don't even know where to start with this to be honest, what I can tell you is that I do not want or need any pitty but maybe a slap in the back of the head from time to time.

I am not stupid or naive, at least I don't think I am but fuck, after 12 years with a man that I love beyond the point of normal obsession it is all over, over and done and I have no idea of how to fix it even if it can be fixed and Im pretty sure at this point that its just broken.

How can that be, well lets see, we met while we were younger, partying etc. We had a long term drug addiction, cociane, pills (who knows what I took or him for that matter).

Then we had children, that was it, I am a MOM, all is well for almost 7 years then he goes out and decides to give US a gift of cocaine last valentines and yes I am imperfect so I did participate and I did a few more times last spring but I woke up AGAIN, my children and my family are my life, without them I am nothing, nothing at all.

So I said no more, he said one more time so I said not me so he went to smoking crack. Ive never done that, good thing I guess and I after several months (7 to be exact) of trying to do everything I could I kicked him out, I mean really, how can you have a life with a person that loves drugs more than you?

We have had good and bad times since then, a few good days here and there, and a lot of very hopeful (on my part) of this will work out. He will see the light.

So today, He tells me he has met someone 3 days ago at a crackhouse no doubt and he asked her out on a date and they got high and that he has quit and she has too, they made some kind of deal, just the way she looks at him makes him want to stop so he says. She is so special that she makes him want to be a better person.

So what the hell is wrong here? Why was his family not enough to stop for, what the hell are we, old newspaper that you throw out when you're done?

I know I am an ass, he knew that from day one, I cuss bad drviers, I cuss the idiots at McDonalds that can't make a burger the way you ask them to, I cuss with my dad and about my dad, hell I cuss and scream if the day is too long or not long enough. I bitch when its hot and when its cold. Im a BITCH and I have never denied that.


So anyway, I give up, I don't know what else to do....

I could add some songs on here to let you hear how I feel but I can't figure out how to do that but if you want to look them up you can listen to:

Stoned Sour - Through the Glass
Evanescemce = Broken
Blue October - Hate me

There are a few more but oh well, thanks to all of you, for everything, all of the time.

So Ill just sit here now and do whatever it is taht I do.

 

[Grinning Geckos]

Well..there's a whole lot of different things to be said here. First, I'm sorry you're going through this crap. I hate when life piles shit on you like this.

Can it be fixed? I really can't say. He can't be there and be around the kids and be high all the time. I'd kick him in the nuts if I could. It's great that you got out of it because those kids NEED you. If you need to focus on a purpose in life - there it is.

As for him...it sounds like he's moving on. 2 addicts don't suddenly stop just because they've fallen in love and want to be a better people. If they have stopped, it's temporary for sure. In order for someone to get past addiction, they need to NOT be around other addicts. Maybe if he sobers up, he may see what's gone in his life - or not. As shitty as it is, I would be moving on.

As for being a bitch, I know there's a nice person there too. I wouldn't like you otherwise. That is the one thing you can change in this situation - yourself. If you don't like the fact that you're a bitch about things, work towards not doing it. It would be an awesome example for your kids.

((((HUGS)))) Life is shit right now, but it won't always be this way.

 

[nwheat]

I'm so sorry, Wendy! Shanti is right - your kids need you and focusing on what's best for them is the appropriate priority right now! You are a wonderful Mom and you are doing the right thing for them and for you.

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

I just feel lost and it is setting in that I may very well be alone for the rest of my life and that my kids now have no dad. The last 12 years of my life is over if he doesn't figure this out soon and come home and I cannot imagine life without him.

Im sick of crying, Im sick of sleeping and being awake, if it weren't for the kids Id be in a very bad way right now, I got new drugs last week and that helped some but now Im back to crying all day.

Thanks guys, I don't like to admit needing people but I really need you all right now.

 

[KelliH]

Wendy, you are a very strong person, and very assertive too. I admire those qualities in you! No matter what happens you know that Cody and Emily and YOU are what is most important. You did the right thing by kicking him out and now it is up to him to figure out how he wants to live his life. I love you Man!

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

Love you too Kelli! I don't know where Id be without you!

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

I kinda feel bad that Ive been MIA so to fill in some of the recent events:

well I don't know where to start so I guess at the point that we all knew that 2 crackheads would not stop smoking crack to have a happy little life so that was good and bad.

He did sleep with her and that sucks like hell and hurts more than I can even express but at the same time I kicked him out (because of what he was doing ) over 8 months ago. So just because I got sick to the stomach to think of someone else touching me doesn't mean that it did that to him. I

He did come home not long after I made my venting post (I hope no one is dissapointed in me for that), I love him with all of my being and heart and soul and I am still hoping that he will get past this and that we can move on and be a family.

But 2 weeks ago he did get arrested for possession of crack and a pipe, we went to court today to get an attorney and have to go back the 10th of may. Sad thing is that he took every dime I had (my fault) out of my bank account, because I so wanted to trust him and that was a mistake.

I just wanted to thank everyone again for everything, and I hope this doesn't blow up in my face.

 

[Grinning Geckos]

I'm sure this is something you already know at some level...but this guy is bad news for you. He's going to continue to harm you and your family until you cut him off for good. It's your choice to do what you want and be with who you want, but I really hate to see you putting yourself in harm's way. Don't wait for him to be a good guy - that day might not ever come. Tough love, girl!

Holding on to hope is totally understandable. But he needs to fix himself before you can fix your family. It will never work in reverse. (((HUGS))), good luck, and here's hoping for LESS drama in your life.

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

thanks Shanti, I am hoping and I know that is a long shot at best.

Its weird you mentioned him needing to "fix" himself, because I want so badly to "fix" him for us and you're right, he has to do that, its not something I can do for him.

Im going to do the best I can for as long as I can and hope for a mulligan.