Mom Passed away 10-25 a Terrible death

[sacredcreatures]

My mom didn't go in her sleep or within 24 hours like Hospice said and now my poor daughter and I are so traumatized by what we saw I do not know where to turn. I got my daughter out of the room as soon as she yelled that Grandma was choking. But she saw the blood and that scared her terribly. Mom died from hemrraging from her brain. It was the longest hour and a half I have ever seen. It was a terrible way to go and I will forever see that in my mind. She lived 13 days past that 24 hours and at least I was able to be with her longer and as I promised she did not die alone! I miss mom so very much I feel like a little kid right now and most of the time I do not even know where I am or what I am doing. I feel as if I am living in a dream/nightmare. Hospice said they would get the grevience people to call right away but we have not heard from them. My daughter has not returned to school. If anyone has suggestions please let me know what I should do about my daughter. She is screaming, crying and kicking things every once in awhile. It comes out unexpected. Nothing is making sense to her. And I am so depressed and upset I am no help to her. I do not understand how Hospice could just forget us like that. Now its the weekend and I just do not know what to do. We have made funeral arrangements and stuff but now my brother will not get out of moms house. I guess he thinks he can stay there ans spend all her money. He is the trustee but her CD's were payable on her death to all three of us. If anyone knows what I can do to get him out so we can clean up and sell the house and keep him out of her money. Please let me know. I am so mixed up right now that I just do not know what to do. Thanks for being there during the time I was writing about my moms terrible illness you all have been wonderful. Now a different kind of pain is with us now and I just want to resolve it and get on with our lives. I need help badly for my daughter and of couse some for me. Thanks again Deb PS I do not know how that smiley face got on the title. It is suppose to be a sad face!!!!

 

[The NY Gecko]

Im very very sorry. There really is no way to take away the pain, its not a disease, but it can physically affect your body. Drink lots of fluids and eat the way you should. Depression sometimes makes people stop eating and thats not a good thing. I tried keeping my closest friends with me but it didnt really help. Everyone reacts differently to death. Doing something to take her mind off of grandma for an hour or 2 everyday might help however. A movie or a game or something between the 2 of you.

 

[scottmckillips]

I am so very sorry for the lose of you mother. I can't even begin to tell you. I do think Tom's advise is probably some of the best. I know he is still going through the same thing. How old is your daughter? Your daughter's reactions are some of the same I have had when dealing with a lose like this, when I was in highschool. I had lost a couple of best friends and the anger and fits of rage would just explode. You just have to try and prioritize what needs to be taken care of first, then move on to some of the other issues. I wish you and your family the best. It will get better over time.

Scott

 

[nwheat]

I'm so sorry for your loss! I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you. Try to spend time with your daughter doing things you enjoy - it will be good for both of you. Perhaps your brother just needs to be with your Mother's things right now. Try to stick together - you need each other now!

 

[Jeanne]

Deb,

I don't have kids, so I am by no means an expert, but, I have, unfortunately, lost a few relatives over the years, one being my father, and it was a HORRIBLE experience. His death was a very hard thing for me to except. Your daughter is very scared-angry-and sad all at one time. It is a hard thing for an adult to go through, nevermind a child. She is looking for a way to vent. She probably needs to talk about what she saw, to try to understand as best she can what and why it happened.

I know when I lost my father I was so angry and confused, that I didn't know what to do, it felt like I was running around in circles. One minute I wanted people around me, one minute I didn't. Death is such a hard thing to accept. The best thing you can probably do for her is be there for her. And, try to find a councilor, or a group therapy for kids in your area.

Hopefully Kelli will read this, I know after Hayden passed away, she had Conor going to a child therapy class or something like that. She can probably give you more info on it.

Talk to her, help her to understand as much as you can.

 

[Golden Gate Geckos]

Please accept my deepest condolences and heartfelt sorrow for the loss of your mother. I lost my mother to cancer, and it was the most helpless feeling to know there was absolutely nothing I could do to help her other than not let her be alone on her last days and final moments.

Grief is a very lonely place to be. Each of us grieve differently, depending on the relationship we had with the decedent and our own beliefs about dying. There is no appropriate way to deal with this loss, and there are very defined stages of grief that ALL of us go through in order to heal.

Your needs and the needs of your daughter are your first priority at this time, and those needs will vary from day to day, and even hour to hour... so try to stay focused on that. It is perfectly natural to be feeling angry, confused, depressed, and like Tom said... the physical pain deep in the pit of your stomach that you wake up with every morning and go to bed with each night. At times you will need to be alone, and other times you will want to cling to each other for comfort. You have no control over your brother's feelings and behavior, and there will be plenty of time to go clean up your mother's house and work out the finances later.

My best advise to help you deal with that horrific vision of your mother's final hours in your head is to sit down with your daughter and try to remember one single event in your lives where you can picture your mother healthy, laughing, and joyful... and when that replay of death comes, immediately replace that vision with the face of your mother from that happy memory. You will need to force yourself to do this for awhile, but eventually it will replace the horror.

Please do not wait for Hospice to call you... call them! Utilize some of the crisis hotlines, and ask about referrals for grief support meetings in your area. If you are involved with your Church, let them help you... and if you aren't, this would be a great opportunity to find the peace and solace that Faith can bring you!

Try to remember that even though "grief is a lonely place to be", that you are not alone. Most everyone has experienced a loss like this, and if not, they will someday. Take care of your daughter and yourself right now. Things will get better...

 

[The NY Gecko]

I know this might sound morbid, but its how I view death. We all know that it is coming, we just dont know WHEN. I've accepted that, and it did kind of help. I knew he(my grandfather) wasn't going to be around forever. As much as I wanted him to be(and dont we all?) I knew that eventually it would be his time. In fact hes the one that kinda told me this. Its easier to accept death, be it yourself, or a family member/friend. Knowing it was inevitable helped me kind of cope with what happened. Did it take away the pain? Absolutely not, but it did put things in perspective and helped to get rid of the shock of "Hes gone..." If your religious then even better, you know shes in a better place. As for your brother, I think you should confront him and tell him he cant do anything until theres a lawyer to sort things out. If he doesnt listen then contact your lawyer and ask for legal advice. Its very sad when someone trys to gain off of another persons death...

 

[BalloonzForU]

I am so sorry for your and your daughter's loss. My prayers are with you.

I agree trying to change that vision of your mom's passing in your daughter's mind is the best thing to do. One idea would be to have an open casket, for your daughter to see how peaceful your mom is now. Seeing her peaceful in death may be able to fade out the other violent vision. I don't know your beliefs but explaining the peace she's at now, without pain, and that she is now watching over your daughter may help too. Tell her how much your mother loved her and would not want her to go through any pain at her passing.

Children handle things in many ways, some angry, some sad, some just don't understand why. My son's God father died when he was in kindergarten, and that was the hardest time in my life. Watching our children suffer is greater than our own pain. Make sure that you get help not only for your daughter but for yourself too.

 

[Sandra]

I'm so sorry to hear this (I would like to say something that expressed better how I feel, but I don't know very well how can I express my condolences in English).

You can't make the pain to suddenly vanish. I think that the best thing to do in this kind of situation is trying to go on with your lives. I know this may seem a simple and stupid advice, but it isn't. People that is depressed is pron to let themselves go. They don't eat, don't want to get up from the bed, don't care about their friends or their job... And when the grief starts to fade, they realise that their lives are ruined.

Even if you are depressed, and you feel like you don't want to do anything, you should make the effort. Even if it's being like a robot, trying not to think about anything, just acting and occuping yourself with activities. When you overcome this situation you will feel proud of yourself, I'm sure.

This of course won't work with your daughter, I don't think a child would be able to rationalize her feelings like that. I think that the advice they made of looking for professional help is the best you can do.

I do not know how that smiley face got on the title. It is suppose to be a sad face!!!!

I was really surprised to see the happy face when I read the title! :worried2:

 

[sacredcreatures]

Thanks to you all for the kind words. I have been spending all of my time with my daughter. She is still unable to express her feelings, like I will ask her whats wrong and she says she doesn't know and I have explained about the grief process. When I lost dad to a hospital mistake, I had to seek professional help, I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it took all of the 5 years( so far) to be able to look at his picture without bursting into tears. My daughter was 6 then and didn't really understand what was going on but she did realize Grandpa wasn't going to be around any more. She also saw the Psychologist I saw a few times to make sure she was dealing with it OK. But we weren't there when dad passed away he was in the Hospital. I pray that we can get through this quicker than when dad passed away and I will contact Hospice and see if we can get some help ASAP. I must tell you all something funny that mom said just a day before she passed away. I truely believe somehow there is a spirit world because my mom spoke to many of our dead relatives over the 13 days she was still with us. But this is so cute. Mom asked me "Wheres Kenny"( Kenny is my dad who passed away in 2001) I told mom that "Dad was with God" and she snapped back: "He better Be!" I hope that this memory will take over the bad memories. I also have one about dad. My dad was looking terrible the day before Valentines Day, 2001. He was pale, his cheeks were sunk in, his eyes rolled up in the back of his head and he wasn't responding at all/ Plus Mom hadn't seen him for two weeks because she had had the flu. On that day I called my husband and whispered into the phone about how bad dad was looking and my dad looked directly at me and said in a plain voice: "I am OK!" He didn't want us to know how bad he was even at the end. He passed away the next morning at 6:40am, He stayed alive just long enough to see my mother and then he let go and died. My dad was one h*** of a man! Well that made me feel better to tell you those two good memories. I really thank you for your help. It really helps me to talk about this. I also have been very lucky to have a few neighbors who have brought me food, plants and helped with my daughter. My husbands work has been very kind and I have never experienced this much kindness. When my father died no one was around to help me and I was very much alone. Now not only do I have you kind people here but neighbors and my husband's coworkers helping some. I will never forget the kindness. Hugs to you all!!!

 

[Golden Gate Geckos]

Deborah, I removed the smiley from your original post...

 

[GeckoStud]

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry that I can't offer much too help... Everyone here seemed to say what I felt like saying. My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[sacredcreatures]

Thanks Marcia for removing it from my post. I was totally shocked when I saw it was a smiley and not a sad face I do not know how I did it. Thanks again and Thanks Gecko stud for your condolences.
Things are only getting more painful for my daughter and I so tomorrow I will contact my DR. I am so tired and do not feel like going anywhere. I wasn't even able to pick the clothes for the funeral. I just feel like going to sleep for awhile. But I am not sleeping well waking up around 3-4am and can't get back to sleep and sometimes when I wake up after a short sleep I have to ask someone if its true that mom is gone. I am more depressed and withdrawn. My daughter is doing alot more crying and being angry. She says its not fair that grandma went away. She even acts sometimes like she doesn't care at all. I know its all part of the grief process but it hurts to watch. Thanks all!! Deb

 

[Nastynotch]

Thanks Marcia for removing it from my post. I was totally shocked when I saw it was a smiley and not a sad face I do not know how I did it. Thanks again and Thanks Gecko stud for your condolences.
Things are only getting more painful for my daughter and I so tomorrow I will contact my DR. I am so tired and do not feel like going anywhere. I wasn't even able to pick the clothes for the funeral. I just feel like going to sleep for awhile. But I am not sleeping well waking up around 3-4am and can't get back to sleep and sometimes when I wake up after a short sleep I have to ask someone if its true that mom is gone. I am more depressed and withdrawn. My daughter is doing alot more crying and being angry. She says its not fair that grandma went away. She even acts sometimes like she doesn't care at all. I know its all part of the grief process but it hurts to watch. Thanks all!! Deb

Ive havent exactly gone through greif like you have.

but someone once told me this. And it keep my head up in any dark situation

"It only gets worse, before it gets better"

I know that sounds real generic, but it works for me.


*Best of luck to you and your family

 

[brandy101010]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother Deb. I have been keeping you and your family in my prayers since the day you first posted about your mother and I will continue to pray for you guys. I don't have childreen and have never experienced a loss so tragic so I really don't have any advice, but know that I am thinking about you. Stay strong for your daughter but take care of your self too.

 

[Dottie]

My feelings are with you. Being a total space cadet is very normal. Have you tried sitting down with your daughter and looking through photographs and just have a really good " remember when..." session where you can laugh and cry together.
As for your brother situation, do you have an attorney to help with settling the estate? He should be notified as to what your brother is doing since the attorney's job is to make sure everything is done fairly. If you don't have one, you should maybe consider it before things get too out of hand.
And even if you feel totally alone, you are not.
Dorcas

 

[GeckoMandi]

sorry I didn't see this post!

I am so sorry for your loss, I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers, I lost my mother to cancer in 1999 and it wasn't easy and I am still not over it, it was very bad all around. Please keep your head up and think of the good times and good moments you shared.

 

[Ian S.]

Deb,
I am so sorry to hear about your mothers passing. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. NY gecko said it best, Please for our sake and yours, be sure to take extra good care of yourself and your daughter. All though the hardest thing to do right now, Keep your head up. Time heals all wounds it just takes extra time for the nastier ones. Again our deepest condolences, thoughts, and prayers are with you and yours.

Ian & Tanya Schindler
& family

 

[The NY Gecko]

Ian, while team can heal most wounds. this is a little rhyme ive seen that makes sense.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal

 

[Dee]

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal

Tom, that's the best way I've ever seen it put.

Deb, my deepest condolences on the loss of your Mom. Your daughter will take quite some time to deal, and the anger, outbursts, and even the "I-don't-care" are very VERY normal. Saying she doesn't know what's wrong is pretty accurate too; at that age, you don't truly understand that you are grieving and why it makes you feel that way. You just know that life is still going on around you, but you can't get into it. This is coming from experience -- I was nine when we lost my dad, and I can look back now and understand a LOT better why I felt and reacted the way I did then.

I know it took me the better part of the summer (i.e. 1-2 months) before the worst of it started to subside, and as hard as it is to watch, she'll probably just have to go through it and work it out for herself. There's nothing anybody can do or say to truly make her feel better; she may also resent anyone trying to "cheer her up" (I know I did -- I HATED it). I also remember that when I was angry, I didn't actually want to be alone, but I didn't really want anyone to talk to me, either. You kind of just need to be angry, but still have the comfort of knowing someone is there with you. Activities with other kids were a good distraction for me, too. Kids generally don't ask questions about these things; you can almost forget for a while, and it helps you feel normal again.

Lots of love and luck, we're all thinking of you.