Really need some parenting advice - Military

[T&KBrouse]

My oldest son, Josh, went into the military at 17 years old. He spent his 18th birthday on a plane heading to Kuwait and spent the next 15 months in Iraq. He came home battle rattled, but intact and alive.
I was so proud of the soldier he had become and I was proud of the duty he was doing. He knew what he signed up for and so did I, so I rooted him on all the way. You couldn't have asked for a better cheering section than the lot of us.
But as his mother, I was terrified for my son. I kept a candle burning 24 hours a day the entire time he was gone and I prayed so hard for his safe return. One day, a black Crown Victoria pulled up in our driveway and my heart hit the ground. It took a second to realize the person had over shot a house and was just turning around. I thought for sure it was the news I never wanted to hear.

Long story short; He came home. He finished his four years. Now he's married and I have quite possibly the most adorable grandsons in the world.

Now my youngest son, Jake, (who is 18) came home yesterday and told us he wanted to join the military. It felt like all the life had drained out of me. And its not because he wants to join the military. It was the "walking on egg shells" feelings of intense fear while Josh was gone that I remembered.

I want to encourage him if this is the decision he makes, but on the other hand, I feel like we made it through one, and he came home. Can, or will we be so lucky again?

So any military or non military families out there, I'd really love to hear your thoughts. Should I talk to him about these reservations? If the military is really what he wants, I don't want him to not do it because of my irrational fears.
How would you, or have you handled this type of situation?

 

[Jenn]

I would talk to him and make sure he is doing becaues he wants and not becaues that is what his brother did and if it is truely what he Wants I would stand behind him and support him 100% Just like you did his brother. If it something he really wants he is either going to do it wether you want hm to or not or he is not going to and blame you. You are one tough mom.

 

[T&KBrouse]

Thank you, Jenn. I know he idolizes his older brother, but he says he's also looking into job stability and future college money. He wants to attend the fire college here in Ocala and the military would pay for his entire tuition.
With his personality, he would be an awesome soldier or marine. I worry, though, that it would change him like it did his brother. I really don't think Jake sees it. Josh has since become... passively sadistic? I guess you could say? Its not the same Josh any more.
Thank you for the input. I really appreciate it.

 

[Sunrise Reptile]

Having been in the military myself, I think you need to make clear how you feel. Then you need to listen to him and his reasoning (which it sounds like you have already somewhat). It's better to have him leave and know you're behind him, than for him to leave without your support. You'll both feel better with a clear understanding of each others viewpoint. Hope that makes sense.

 

[T&KBrouse]

Thank you, Maurice. That does make alot of sense. I'll stand behind him 110%, no matter what his decision is. As long as he promises me he'll come home.

You know, I really believe this is probably the most difficult part of being a parent. When they're ready to leave the nest and your just not quite ready to let go.

 

[Sunrise Reptile]

My hat's off to you! I already told my son (now 17) that he won't be going into the military. It's not an option, even though I served myself. I'm lucky, in that he doesn't want to join. Whew!!!

 

[Snowy & Petra de Gecko]

Well ... what do I say

I am trying to think about what I would say to what is happening.

I am older than you are ... 52 years of age.

As I grew up my Mother invited Marines from our Marine Base ... El Toro ... to come for ThanksGiving and Christmas.

This was during the Vietnam War ... and the times have been a changin.

One time ... one of the soldiers were talking about the fact that they were going over to Vietnam. This was about 1968 or 1969. But, you have to do what you have to do.

I went into to the Army in 1976 and left in 1980 ... during the Jimmy Carter years. I was in the 82nd Airborne, Infantry, Charlie Company 2nd of the 508th.

That would be the 2nd Battilion of the 508th Brigade.

We had our close calls of being called out to do battle for our country but, we never went anywhere.

I beleive in the United States of America. I do not like the politics and I do not like where our country is going.

However, I have an 11 year old that would like to go into the Military.

And I cannot say no.

I Love this Country and while the Politics is something else ... I understand what a Country needs to do.

I appreciate what your youngest is willing to do and I would support him a 100%.

As for your eldest ... WAR can change a person. We that are left behind have no IDEA. People that are liberal do not have an IDEA.

When you are in the Miltary ... there is a lot that you can see that many in the general public have no IDEA that those conditions or realities exist.

In many ways, the general public is protected from the realities of WAR.

That has always been the case in history.

But, in our country it is a Volunteer Military and that has it's own costs.

Many are not aware of the life of a Military Soldier. There are too many comforts of home and no threats that exist on our borders.

However, a Soldier is not there to sit in a barracks in some state of the United States but, is there to do what is asked of it's Country.

Civilians do not understand any of this because we do not have a National Draft nor do they understand Duty to Country nor do they understand Sacarfice, nor do they understand hardship, nor do they understand a loss that can occur when a soldier dies for his country.

I can understand your concern. I pray for your family and I pray for your youngest son.

As for your eldest son, you should see if there is a VA Hospital or a Support Group that could help him.

His new behavior is somewhat disturbing but totally normal.

He needs to come to terms as to what was and what is.


You were not there and if you were not there then, you do not know what it is that has affected him. You are seeing it from your point of view but, you cannot see it from his point of view.

I have never seen combat but, I can see where he is coming from and it SUCKS.

I think that a large part of it comes from the Freedoms and the Life that we live in the United States. We do not generally see the crap. And your son has seen some crap and has not come to terms with it.

 

[THE WHISPERER]

Just curious, what is your oldest sons opinion?

 

[T&KBrouse]

He's very much against the idea.

 

[THE WHISPERER]

I would have him talk to him.

 

[T&KBrouse]

Thanks, Rick. I talked with Josh last night and he's going to call Jake today and talk to him for a while.

 

[dprince]

I would have him talk to him.

Excellent advice. :main_thumbsup:

 

[Jenn]

Thank you, Jenn. I know he idolizes his older brother, but he says he's also looking into job stability and future college money. He wants to attend the fire college here in Ocala and the military would pay for his entire tuition.
With his personality, he would be an awesome soldier or marine. I worry, though, that it would change him like it did his brother. I really don't think Jake sees it. Josh has since become... passively sadistic? I guess you could say? Its not the same Josh any more.
Thank you for the input. I really appreciate it.

I can see why he wants to join. Has he tried getting a grant for college? He should contact CFCC they may be able to point him in the right directon. BTW I live in Ocala born and raised

 

[moosassah]

I would ask him to talk long & truthfully with his brother. Be very sure this is the decision for him, in his heart. As a mom, I fear the day these announcements come home to me. I too would burn a candle non-stop for my sons. Whatever he chooses stand proudly behind him because it is his choice. Good luck & be safe.

 

[KatieB]

As for your eldest ... WAR can change a person. We that are left behind have no IDEA. People that are liberal do not have an IDEA.

I know more than a few "liberals" who have gone into the service and/or have seen combat. So, yes, they do have an idea of what war is like. :main_rolleyes:

 

[T&KBrouse]

Thank you all so much for the advise. Josh is contacting a couple Army and Marine buddies he has to hopefully give Jake some perspective on military life. He tried talking to Jake earlier today, but Jake got a bit defensive and thinks thats only Josh's experience and one isolated case shouldn't be his deciding factor. Which in a way, he's somewhat right, but I think he'll be surprised to hear some of the "war stories" from others who have been there-done that, and how similar those stories are to his own brother's, you know? I think it would help if he talked with some seasoned vetrans not just recruiters and others fresh out of boot camp.

If this is still something Jake wants to pursue, I'll be behind him 100%, unconditionally. Hopefully he'll never know how fearful I get should he ever be deployed.

 

[Sunrise Reptile]

He tried talking to Jake earlier today, but Jake got a bit defensive and thinks thats only Josh's experience and one isolated case shouldn't be his deciding factor.

Exactly what I figured would happen.

I think it would help if he talked with some seasoned vetrans not just recruiters and others fresh out of boot camp.

Former personnel that have served a combat assignment are the people that can provide him the most insight! Recruiters are abosolutely NO HELP! They'll tell a potential recruit whatever is necessary to make their recruitment quota. They'll fill a possible future soldier's head full of crap. Your son needs to keep a very open mind when talking to recruiters. They'll only ever provide "half truths". :main_yes:

Hopefully he'll never know how fearful I get should he ever be deployed.

I actually think he should know. But I think your point is, you don't want this weighing on his mind if he's ever deployed to a combat zone. Which I completely understand.

 

[eyelids]

Civilians do not understand any of this because we do not have a National Draft nor do they understand Duty to Country nor do they understand Sacarfice, nor do they understand hardship, nor do they understand a loss that can occur when a soldier dies for his country.

Please be more considerate before going so far... This isn't the place to spread your beliefs... I, and surely many other ''civilian'' members reading this, am offended...

 

[supperl]

I think fighting for your country is something to be honoured. If you youngest thinks it is the right thing for him doing it from his heart it is what he should do.
But Rick is right best thing(and it doesn´t matter if you are pro or contra here I would say) is you oldest talkes to him. He has seen things many others haven´t and is able to tell his brother the truth about it. I guess if your youngest only reason is to do what his brotehr did, your oldest will show him that it is not the the poitn why he should do it.
And if it wasn´t why he decided to join... well at least you know than he does what his heart is telling him.

 

[T&KBrouse]

Maurice, you're entirely right. And your last point was dead on. I just couldn't find the right words, but thats what I meant.
I didn't want to do any recruiter bashing, but they have left a rather bitter taste so I tend to take what they say with a grain of salt. They need their count or they lose their job. And fresh blood out of BCI is full of that cocky "I can conquer the world" attitude. Ten feet tall and bullet proof. I know Josh was.
And not that thats a bad thing, its just not the real facts that he needs to have, you know?
I hope he does think this through and makes the right decision for him, no matter what. I'm the mom. I worry and I fuss. Thats my job.
I guess I can do it again. But he better get me really good presents, darnit!

Thank you, everyone, for all your input. You all are wonderful!