something serious...

paulnj

New Member
Messages
10,508
Location
NJ USA
Marcia, You are making all the right choices for the right reasons. As you stated, he unfortunately has turned into a man who has no ability to love due to no self love(what I am reading between the lines). Once HE gets the help he needs to find love for himself, he will once again be able to love you like I am sure he does.

Indigent or not, alot of love and great times have been shared and that is why you stay. Hopefully he sees the error in his ways and surrenders to his weakness. He needs to get help on his own for his self destructive downward spiral he is in.

Marcia, love concurs all , so don't stop loving and pray for him to once again be the man who you fell in love with ... back in the beehive hairdo days :main_laugh:
 

Golden Gate Geckos

Mean Old Gecko Lady
Messages
12,730
Location
SF Bay Area
Marcia, love concurs all , so don't stop loving and pray for him to once again be the man who you fell in love with ... back in the beehive hairdo days :main_laugh:
LOL, Paul... yes, we still look at pictures of ourselves from back in those days! I have not stopped loving Glenn, and hope and pray that he will find the courage and strength to get help. I cannot help him until then. In the meantime, I feel like I am on the verge of panic attacks all day. It feels like something has a grip on my guts and won't let go...
 

gothra

Happy Gecko Family
Messages
3,790
Location
HK
Oh Marcia, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope everything will turn to the good side from now on. *Big Hug*
 

dprince

Mod Squad Member
Messages
4,270
Location
California
Glad you felt safe posting this here, Marcia. You know I love ya and that I know you're doing all the best things you can for yourself and your animals. *hugs you*
 

Golden Gate Geckos

Mean Old Gecko Lady
Messages
12,730
Location
SF Bay Area
I attended an Alanon meeting, and this is what I was told:

One of the commonest questions anyone working in the addiction field is asked is “How can I stop my wife/husband/partner from drinking so much?” Unfortunately the short answer to that is – you can’t. They will stop when it suits them, whether that is because they hurt so much or because circumstances change. That is painful to hear, but nevertheless it is true.

There is some good news, however, and that is if you can’t actually stop them drinking then there are things that you can do, or stop doing, that will make it more likely that they will take action and/or seek help for their drinking. Below I have listed a number of things that you should avoid doing as they often have the opposite effect to intended, making the situation even worse. I will discuss the things that you should do in another article.

Don’t protect the drinker from the naturally occurring consequences of drinking. If they embarrass themselves don’t make excuses, or if they fall don’t pick them up. Only intervene if there is a danger of the drinker being injured. For most people this kind of ‘tough love’ is a difficult thing to do, just ignore a loved one when they are drunk goes very much against the grain. However, protecting the drinker means that they never suffer the consequences and so are never aware of the severity of their drinking. Since many believe that problem drinkers only seek help when they are hurting, so protecting the drinker only delays that time coming and that it could be argued is more cruel.

Don’t protect the drinker from other consequences. If they take time off work through being too drunk or too hungover, don’t phone the boss and give an excuse. The problem drinker is only too happy for someone else to accept responsibility whereas they need to accept responsibility for their own behaviour if they are to change.

Don’t collude with the drinker. If they spend all their money on drink don’t lend them money or pay their debts. Again this is protecting and delays recognition of the extent of the problem.

Don’t join in and drink along with the drinker. It may seem a natural thing to do – “if you can’t beat them join them” but this just makes the drinking behaviour appear to be normal, which of course it’s not. Besides if you try and keep up you could end up needing help yourself, and one drunk is more than enough for any household.

Don’t scream and shout and nag about the drinking behaviour. This just provides an excuse to drink even more. That is, the logic that is used here is “I drink because you nag” rather than “You nag because I drink”. Yea, I know that is not logical but hey this is not about logic, its about drinking.

Don’t make threats and give ultimatums. Unless you are actually prepared to carry out these threats and ultimatums they will lose any power to influence the drinker. In fact, they may even provide an excuse for drinking, especially if there is a pattern of drinking to avoid stress and painful circumstances. Therefore you could be left feeling even more frustrated than before.

Don’t cry and sulk and withdraw to punish the drinker. The drinker can again view his as behaviour best avoided by getting drunk, perhaps with the immortal words “No wonder I drink, look at you!”.

Don’t try and have a meaningful conversation about the drinkers behaviour or your lives together when the drinker is intoxicated. It is easy to get lured into a conversation – don’t. Wait till the morning or when they are sober.
 

DarthGekko

Sin City Gecko
Messages
1,094
Location
Las Vegas NV
Marcia,

I had a family member(s) that has/had drinking problems. It's easy to get one here in Vegas where you can drink 24hrs a day. I too went to AA for these individuals and I ended up giving up drinking myself. I was pretty hurt by the actions of my family member on a weekly basis and I hated how much alcohol changed that person's personality that I didn't want to be like that either. I started breeding geckos around that time and this hobby has been very spiritual and healing for me while dealing with this situation. I realized that through this process I could change myself but not my family member. I followed my own plan and had success. As much as I tried to help my family member I couldn't make that person change, even if I showed them how much they hurt me because drinking became a social dependancy for them. I don't want to start rambling here so I'll just say this.... I used to hope that things would get better. I used to feel trapped and alone in this situation. One day my boss at work told me that "Hope isn't a plan." Then it clicked. Once I had a plan I followed it because I can control a plan for a specified outcome. I went to AA and followed my non-negotiable's within my plan and I am much happier today. You are a good person. You deserve to be happy. You have many people to help you. You will get through this. Use GF as an outlet. Lean on your friends for support and use your inner strength to stick to your "Plan". You have accomplished a lot in your 55 years and I am confident you can get through this. I hope my experience helps.....
 

Golden Gate Geckos

Mean Old Gecko Lady
Messages
12,730
Location
SF Bay Area
Nathan, thank you. I like what your boss told you... "hope is not a plan". That is why I have been working on my own plan for MY future in case my husband can't do anything other than 'hope for a plan'.
 

DarthGekko

Sin City Gecko
Messages
1,094
Location
Las Vegas NV
Nathan, thank you. I like what your boss told you... "hope is not a plan". That is why I have been working on my own plan for MY future in case my husband can't do anything other than 'hope for a plan'.

Cool. He asked me if I closed this big deal we were working on and I said " I hope it works out. "He got mad at me and said "Hope isn't a plan Jamieson! Fucking close that deal today" Needless to say I took his advice and used it in my personal life because I had already closed the deal, I just didn't want to tell him :) Life is a crazy journey. The great thing is you can only move forward and never backward. Repeatition is insanity huh?
 

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