When you have none......

[dragonflyreptiles]

When you have so self esteem or resect at all for yourself how do you get it back, how do you get that umph that you need to get on with your life and be an independant person?

I used to have all of that, I could take almost anything and get past a lot of things but something went wrong and I can no longer do any of those "hey, fuck you, this is my life" kind of things.

What the fuck happened to me?

 

[Jeanne]

Wendy,

I know how you feel, when I was younger I used to love life, I was pretty carefree (Not careless, there is a difference), but at the same time I was very, um, what's the word, influential maybe. Well, after a few bad relationships, being put down by people I cared about including family members, I lost that carefree attitude, being constantly told what I did was stupid, that I was fat, that I looked old, that my hobbies were stupid, etc. After hearing those things so many times you tend to start to believe them, especially when they come from people you look up to.

This went on for quite a while for me and it drained the life out of me, literally! And that is when I had my nervous breakdown. After a few weeks of Therapy I started to learn that what I am not a bad person, that my beliefs are important even if other people don't think so. Of coarse I will always love my family, but I am learning to not listen to them when they try to bring me down, when they tell me the things I Love are stupid, that is their opinion and they are welcome to it, but it doesn't mean that I have to listen to it. I have distanced myself from those negative people, but I am not completely ignoring them like another member of my family is doing :main_no:

I guess what it comes down to is realizing that you ARE important and what you Love may not be important to other people but that doesn't mean that it ISN'T important.

Ok, I am sorry for rambling, but I have been having a 360 degree turn around in my life and it is for the good. It's a great feeling!

Just remember, you ALWAYS have friends here in the Round Room!

 

[Grinning Geckos]

Sometimes you have to start doing, before you can believe in it. Do things good for yourself and tell yourself you DO deserve it. Eventually, you won't have to tell yourself you're worth it because you'll KNOW you're worth it.

 

[Golden Gate Geckos]

I think I understand a little bit, Wendy.

Before I became disabled with FMS and then Degenerative Bone Disease, I was a very bright Chemical Engineer. I was also a very active and fit dance teacher. I made a LOT of money, and had a lifestyle that many envied. Just about all of my self-esteem was centered around my career accomplishments. I was a force to be reckoned with, lol!

When I started getting sick, I was aged 45 and looked 32. I was beginning to lose my cognitive abilities, and was sometimes bed-ridden for days at a time. My family and doctors thought it was 'all in my head', because I looked healthy and nothing could be found wrong with me. I got fired from a great job because they couldn't count on me to even come to work, much less my usual 60+ hour work week. I couldn't remember anything, and couldn't even think sometimes. This on top of being in constant, debilitating pain 24/7 sent me spiraling into the depths of depression and despair.

It wasn't until 2001 that I was diagnosed with a severe auto-immune disease... and it was speculated that it was a result of over-exposure to harmful chemicals. I had developed such a hyper-sensitivity to any type of solvent, I couldn't even put gas in my car without the fumes making me sick. I could not longer even use fingernail polish!

Finally, I felt tremendous relief that I actually had something really wrong with me, and my family finally started taking me seriously when I felt like crap. But, my career and health were gone... like a rug had been pulled out from under me. I felt like I had to give up everything that made me who I was, and my self-esteem along with it. I had to go on Social Security at age 46!!!

I started asking myself what I was worth without a career and financial security. I asked myself what I was worth now that I am crippled and fat. If I couldn't have things the way they were, I didn't want anything. It's easy for people to say, "You're worth it! You just need to snap out of it and realize it!" The bottom line was, I really was worthless!

Well, I am not the kind of person who can simply make myself feel worthwhile... I need to have the recognition and approval in order to feel worthwhile. Ideal? No. But at least I know that about myself... heck, I was raised with the notions that the only time I was loved and accepted by my family was when I did something to warrant it. Nothing was unconditional.

I also realized that my self-esteem was only as high as the opinions of me from those who I value most. So, if I did something for someone that I cared about, and they approved of it, my self-esteem went up. In order to keep my self-esteem up, I had to continue to do things that people approved of.

So, what makes me valuable? My value is in the value my friends and family find in me. I realize now that it doesn't necessarily mean how I look, how much money I make, or how brilliant I am (or used to be). It means being honest. Being generous. Being reliable. Being compassionate. Being unselfish. Being nurturing. Being ethical. Being fair.

If I can be all of those things for the ones I care about, then I am successful. I have self-esteem. I am worthwhile!

 

[KelliH]

So, what makes me valuable? My value is in the value my friends and family find in me. I realize now that it doesn't necessarily mean how I look, how much money I make, or how brilliant I am (or used to be). It means being honest. Being generous. Being reliable. Being compassionate. Being unselfish. Being nurturing. Being ethical. Being fair.

It took me a long time to realize the above. My late teens and early twenties were pretty fucking rough. I did just about every drug I could get my hands on, and I must have had at least twenty acid trips. I know now why I was doing that; I was trying to escape reality. I wasn't the best daughter, friend, or mother back then. I let a lot of people down, including my own family. I can't really pinpoint what my turning point was, I think it was pretty gradual really. Now I value life so much, I value the ones I care about and Marcia is so right.

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

Ive just felt really worthless lately to be honest.

When Rodney and I spilt up last fall I was so damn mad at him I could or would not process what was really happening at all. I also thought that if I really showed him what he was losing it would all get better and fast.

Not much later I felt some better, still angry but I was working, keeping busier, making my own money and didn't need as much help form my family as usual.

Now on that note, why my family helps me, I have no idea, I was a great kid as my mom says til I it my 20's, she says I had my terrible 2's in my twenties. She also has not problem telling me how fat I am and things like that.

Once it hit me about the whole situation with Rondey, I went way down hill emotionally, I went back on antidressants one by one til it hit 3 plus a sleep aid. I still don't sleep though.

I felt better a couple of weeks ago finally and stopped takign the anti D's, maybe that was a mistake, I don't know.

Rodney is a strange soul, he talks prety good to me, he tells me Im pretty and when I say Im fat and worthless, he argues that Im perfect. But hearing him say those things has never been enough for me and maybe thats my problem. He doesn't follow up with his actions so to speak and maybe he can't. Maybe all he can do is say it and not show it. Some can;t say it but show it. So I don't know.

With his drug habit coming and going and sometimes coming more than it goes, I got back into that gutter with my emotions. I still fell that if HE was happy with me and our family then HE would not need drugs. And I can't even count how many good people have told me its not naything to do with me, I still feel that it is. I was addicted to cocaine for a little over 3 years and it was because I was unhappy in our realtionship, not his fault, not mine, just not really happy.

Anyway, I feel like shit, I know Im a fat ass, Im not even a good housewife, I hate to clean and am not very good at it.

So Im off my rant for now I guess, I gotta figure out someway to do something to make me feel better about me and Im not sure how to do that.

 

[Golden Gate Geckos]

Wendy, the sooner you accept the fact that Rodney is a drug addict and there is nothing you can do about it, I know the better off you and the kids will be in the long-run. The only way he will change is if he admits it, doesn't want to live like that any more, decides to get some help. You are completely powerless against his addiction. You cannot count on him to be responsible for you and the kids. You cannot fix him.

You know I love you dearly, Wendy, but you have become so dependent on your family and friend's co-dependence, that that you are unable and/or unwilling to assume responsibility for yourself. You may not be consciously aware of it, but I have seen you actually take advantage of people who cared for you.

You ask why your parents continue to 'help' you. Well, I can only suspect it is not really for you, but it's because of your kids. You can chose the lifestyle you want to have for yourself, but your children cannot chose... they have to live with what is provided for them. My opinion is that your folks are not helping you at all, they are enabling you. Helping someone is to assist them while they are making an effort to help themselves, not doing it for them.

I know this sounds harsh, Wendy... and the last thing I want to do is hurt you! But you are trapped in a vicious circle of having low self-esteem which is preventing you from having the confidence to do things for yourself, yet doing things for yourself is what will give you that self-esteem!

 

[Grinning Geckos]

Well put Marcia!

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

I really don't know what to say, I didn't know or was unable to see that I had taken advantage of anyone and if I have I am truly sorry.

I have become totally dependant on my friends and family for sure, there are days I don't know what I would do if I were alone with no kids and no family to worry about what happened to me.

I am hoping when school starts back I will get the job in the kitchen were I filled in the most last school year, the gilr who has it is still unsure if she is going to come backthis fall. It really made me feel better to be at school with all of those kids and be making my own money and paying my own bills or at least most of them. And if I don't get it full time Im going to go to the movie place, they always need someone it seems.

Sad thing, he has admitted his problem, he just doesn't see to care, I think he is in a deep depression, Friday he insisted he just wants to OD and die so I could get SSI for the kids. He can at times go several weeks and be fine them all of a sudden there is a backslide and when he slides back I go right down with him.

 

[Golden Gate Geckos]

I really don't know what to say, I didn't know or was unable to see that I had taken advantage of anyone and if I have I am truly sorry.

Wendy, you have some heat tape for sale in the classifieds. Is this the same heat tape you sold Kelli and then asked for some of it back because you needed it? If it is, perhaps you don't realize that Kelli had to buy more heat tape to make up for it.

Think long and hard, girlfriend. Have you taken advantage of your friend's generosity? If you haven't then I apologize from the bottom of my heart. If you have, then you need to fix it.

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

Actaullt she sent it back to me and I never used it, I have offered it back to her and she said she had plenty. I just sent her a box last week and asked if she wanted me to put the heat tape in since I wound up not needing it and she said no I was under the impression she still had the other 2 rolls I sent her.

I decided to sell it since neither of us needed it and planned to send her $50 of the money.

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

And Kelli, if I misunderstood and you needed that heat tape, Im sorry! When I had asked you about it you didn't need it, if you have had to buy some to replace it, I feel like shit. I could have sent it back anytime if Id of known.

 

[KelliH]

At the time I sent it to you, along with the 2 Reptariums, I didn't need it. But you said you really needed it, I think you were going to hook it up in your basement on a rack or something, I can't remember exactly.

You did not ask me if I wanted you to include that heat tape in the box of thermostats I bought from you. The subject of heat tape never came up to my recollection. I had forgotten I ever sent it back to you until I saw the ad today. Your ad was posted on July 9th and I didn't buy the thermostats until the 11th.

It was disappointing when I realized that must be the same heat tape, and I told Marcia how it made me feel. I was planning on telling you the same thing the next time we spoke but since it came up here I am addressing it now.

I would have felt better about it if you had asked me if I wanted it back, that's all. Whatever, I'm not going to whine about it all night or anything.

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

Kelli,

Im sorry, I thought I had asked you about it beause I posted the ad the 11th after I talked to you about the thermostats. I really thought I asked you if you wanted me to send it with the thermostats since I never used it and I honestly thought you did not need it so I posted the ad later that evening.

I got your payment at 5:45 the 11th and put that ad up for the heat tape at 10:21 that night. I planned to send you $50 of it once it sold since I had sold you the 3 rolls for $150 shipped.

Im sorry, if you need it I still have it here and can send it anytime!

 

[robin]

marcia, honestly was it your place to bring up something that happened between kelli and wendy? i mean if kelli had a problem with it i am sure kelli would have brought it to wendy's attention. even if it did bother kelli. was it your place to bring up something which did not involve you?

i mean since we are all airing our shit... i would really like to know?
wasn't that over stepping your boundaries in SOMEONE else's matters?

 

[KelliH]

Robin, it really doesn't bother me that Marcia brought it up here, the reality of it is, I was relieved to see it. This has been bothering me and though I had wanted to bring it up to Wendy, I didn't because I was afraid. Maybe of hurting her feelings. I also tend to dislike confrontation, and try to avoid it whenever possible.

 

[Golden Gate Geckos]

marcia, honestly was it your place to bring up something that happened between kelli and wendy?

No, it wasn't my place... you're right. I was just using this example to respond to Wendy's comment about not knowing how she had taken advantage of her friends.

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

Kelli, Im sorry about the heat tape, I thought I asked you about it a few times and I honeslty thought I had mentioned it with the thermostats.

It kinda hurt my feelings the way Marcia brought it up, that she has seen me take advantage of my friends and I had no idea what she was talking about. Im my current state of mind that really knocked me against the wall so to say and made me feel even worse about myself than I already did.

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

No, it wasn't my place... you're right. I was just using this example to respond to Wendy's comment about not knowing how she had taken advantage of her friends.

I was totally mistaken about the heat tape, Im sorry, I feel like shit.

Do you know of anyone else I have taken advantage of so I can try to make amends with them?

 

[Golden Gate Geckos]

Do you know of anyone else I have taken advantage of so I can try to make amends with them?

Wendy, only you have that answer.