Ive past my breaking point

[dragonflyreptiles]

I don't want to talk about this but if I don't I am in total fear that I will in some way self implode tonight. My heart is in my chest and Im pissed at the entire plant.

I got up this morning and everything was just off, just plain out fucked up. And its not just this mornign its every fucking moring of my fucking being on this planet lately.

I try to smile and I try to be OK and I really fucking try to do the things that normal people do, then I hate myself for pretneding that all those things are Ok and normal cause for me they aren't. I want them to be normal, I want to want things, I want to be a happy person.

Today just bent be over the edge and I don't even know why, and tonight is not helping anything.

I don't want to take my kids to school, I want to keep them with me all the time, I don't want to go outside, I don't want to get dressed or take a bath or change clothes or eat or sleep. I don't want to do a damn thing. All I want to do is be home with my kids 24 hours a day and that is honestly all I want to do.

I had to do some stuff with my dad today and that was fine, at least as long as I could make it be, I left as soon as I could. Then I came home and sat her eint he dark and begged the stupid clock to get to the time that I could go get my kids.

2 of their fiends came over after school so I could give them some food and a fish tank filter and they were all dumbfounded at the hamsters, cresteies and all the stuff we have and I stood there and thought, damn, I wish this "stuff" could make me become dumbfounded or even happy for a few brief seconds of any time of any day but it doesn't.

Im just flat out tired, Im tired of being tired, Im tired of crying and Iv cried all fucking day and I don't even know why. I was fine yesterday, well obviously I wasn't. this shit deson't just happen.

I have to go to a new shrink Thursday and that scares the crap out of me, ya know, what will this one say, Ive seen 8-10 others since 95 and they all had their great ideas adn they all has some new thing that is wrong with me, what the hell is this person going to say is wrong with me now.

What if it is just a pure and simple fact that maybe Im just an angry bitter not nice person, that is nothing I can or any pill can do anything about, maybe I am just a fucking asshole and I am just greedy with the time I have with my kids and my life and I just don't want society to say how it should be spent or what I shoudl or shoudl not do.

whatever, Im tired or typing now

 

[Mel&Keith]

Sorry you've been so down. I pretty much felt like that all weekend. I even skipped my own birthday party and turned my phone off so no one could call me. Maybe the new doctor won't be so bad...

 

[Golden Gate Geckos]

Awwwww Wendy. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Geeze, it seems to be a widespread problem with a LOT of people I know right now... including me. I wonder if the change of seasons and reduced daylight hours have anything to do with it. It seems like every year around this time I need to increase the dosage of my Cymbalta.

Depression is a very lonely place to be. It's difficult to have any motivation or find joy in things. We feel two-dimensional and isolated.

I hope you will develop a good relationship with your new doctor, Wendy.

 

[Jeanne]

I don't want to take my kids to school, I want to keep them with me all the time, I don't want to go outside, I don't want to get dressed or take a bath or change clothes or eat or sleep. I don't want to do a damn thing.

Unfortunately, I know EXACTLY how this feels, but luckily it only lasted about 4 days with me, anymore than that and I probably wouldn't be here right now.

I hope you find what works for you, feeling like this is a very scary thing.

 

[nwheat]

Wendy, I hope you will feel better very soon!! Let's hope your new doctor is a good one!

You really are a nice person, Wendy - even if you don't feel like it right now.

 

[robin]

Awwwww Wendy. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Geeze, it seems to be a widespread problem with a LOT of people I know right now... including me. I wonder if the change of seasons and reduced daylight hours have anything to do with it. It seems like every year around this time I need to increase the dosage of my Cymbalta.

Depression is a very lonely place to be. It's difficult to have any motivation or find joy in things. We feel two-dimensional and isolated.

I hope you will develop a good relationship with your new doctor, Wendy.

it's a proven fact that with many people, especially those dealing with depression or some sort of mental illness, that this time of year generally increases your change in mood and emotions. i suspect it has to do with change in time, the change in weather and the overall holiday season. i just realize it's gonna happen and plan on it. rather a buttfuck for those of us who might suffer from this sorta thing
so as was suggested to me make things happen (cuz you arent likely to do anything otherwise) keep with a steady stable routine and from my own experience keep yourself as busy as possible and don't let yourself get into that spot or at least far down to it. hell i am at home most all of the time cuz i can't drive so i can't go anywhere til russ gets home. you have no idea how ingenious i have found myself to be.

if all else fails, masturbate (even if ya aren't horny LOL)

 

[Golden Gate Geckos]

Wendy, please don't take this wrong... but perhaps drinking is a problem for you right now. I know you have had lots of issues with your meds not working, and I know that by drinking along with them they will not be effective. When you see our new doctor, I hope you will be honest with him about your alcohol consumption. He/she will not be able to help you unless you give full disclosure about what's going on in your life and your habits or addictions.

 

[robin]

wendy, thats true alvohol done fucks up your meds. i completely quit drinking almost 4 years ago, not one drop and i cute back 6 years before that because i used to drink everyday and my meds were fucked and i was a mess.

 

[KelliH]

...

 

[robin]

kelli, i think god has given the world MANY MANY puppies in my name!!

please don't cut my hands off!! D:

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

Sorry I missed a few post cause I didn't get teh email thingy.

The alcohol is a weird one, I completely quit drinking from exactly when I found out I was pregnant with Cody in May of 1999 til Emily was almost 3 and the meds were worse with not working and I had more changes then than I have in the last 2 years that I have drank here and there.

Here lately Ive drank maybe 2 one night, 3 one, 5 one (like on a friday) and none for 2 days.

Funny thing is that I tried to blame my meltdown on beer Monday night and I counted and had drank 4.5 light beers (I usually drink ice beer which is 2 light beers) but I just knew I must have drank the whole a lot when I got up and went to count and I had a half full one in the fridge and only 4 gone and I still have 6 of those sitting in the fridge today.

It was suggested a little over a year ago that I go on lithium and I changed Dr's and never went back. My new Dr (the one Ive had for the last year) decided she could no longer help me, she thinks I cycle too fast, Im OK for a few weeks then out of the blue all flipped out for a few days or a week to 10 days then Im OK. So I have to go to this new place who after a hour converstaion with the Dr thinks that lithium is the probable best option and that scares me.

The odd thing with my meds is that they work for the first 2-5 weeks then stop working, the dr's will tell you that it will take 4-6 weeks before they start working but so far Ive had the opposite problem for the last 12 years, that is why they think lithium may be the better choice it works different than the newer drugs.

I get a new drug (celexa last fall) and I do great for a few weeks then bottom out on it, then they up it, Im fine for about a few more weeks, bottom out then they up it Im fine for about a week, reached max dose so there is nothing to do but change meds and start the whole cycle all over again.

So I don't know what is goign to happen, Ill just have to hope that this new office can help me better than the last ones.

PS WHOA, now Im going to laugh a little and wonder who caused the puppy to be gifted to the world everytime I see one, I know Ive made a ton of contributions on that one!

 

[robin]

PS WHOA, now Im going to laugh a little and wonder who caused the puppy to be gifted to the world everytime I see one

it was me





wendy, i understand getting your meds straight but they will not fix everything you have to be willing to make them work and to make your life better, even when you feel like shit. YOU have to make things happen. the meds can only do so much.

so lets say you are sitting in a pile of shit and while in the shit someone hands you a joint. you smoke it and get high and wow it feels pretty good but the fact remains you are still sitting in a pile of shit and you are the only one that can get up and get out of that shit and clean the shit off of you.

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

lol Im going to start calling all puppies, Robin

that is my biggest problem, I lack total motivation to do anything, to get up off the couch etc. And I don't know how to get past that.

I went today and I don't get to see an actual Dr til mid January but they set up my therapy for every monday from 9-10:30 with group depression session. I think that will help some.

They want me to keep my meds the same for now and see what we can do after the first of the year.

 

[robin]

i lack motivation too but you HAVE to MAKE yourself do it. thats very different than motivation

 

[dragonflyreptiles]

that is one thing the intake lady talked about today, that even though I don't want to get up, and I want to keep my kids with me all day instead of taking them to school and losing all of that time with them, I do force myself to get up and force myself take them because I have to. I do cook and half ass clean. Everything that NEEDS to be done is done. I just still feel like its not good enough and I feel like shit.

No matter what I do its never been good enough and I don't know if it ever will be.