struggling...

[Golden Gate Geckos]

I have been deeply depressed lately, and am really struggling with things right now. Mostly, it's because of my health... and maybe I'm on a sort of 'pity pot' because I am in severe pain all the time and it's difficult to see things clearly when I feel like this.

I am seriously wondering if I am cut out to be a gecko breeder. I recently lost one of my favorite geckos very suddenly, and I'm having a tough time with it. I'm not sure, but I honestly don't think that other breeders go through the emotional pain that I do when they lose a gecko. I don't think that most breeders have the affection and love for their geckos that I do. I wish I could be different, and you'd think that after over 13 years of keeping geckos that I would be more 'hardened' by now. I'm just not, and I will never be.

When I look at all my geckos, lately I have felt more guilt than ever. Guilt for keeping them in tubs. Guilt for turning them in to breeding machines. Guilt for having a 'gecko mill', and pumping out gecko after gecko... and stressing over getting them sold. I am having a lot of conflict between seeing them as the beautiful, gentle, living art that they are... and seeing them as inventory items.

I don't see how someone that loves their geckos as much as I do being such a hypocrite. I can't seem to get my logic and emotion in sync. Sometimes I stay up until 3:00 AM just so I can hold each and every one of my beloved beauties and just love them... appreciating God's gift of these lovely creatures.

I think I was much happier when I kept them in big, naturalistic vivariums and could just enjoy watching them... before I started keeping records of numbers. I often wonder if my geckos were happier, too. Am I truly doing what's best for my geckos? I dunno...

 

[david13]

When I look at all my geckos, lately I have felt more guilt than ever. Guilt for keeping them in tubs. Guilt for turning them in to breeding machines. Guilt for having a 'gecko mill', and pumping out gecko after gecko... and stressing over getting them sold. I am having a lot of conflict between seeing them as the beautiful, gentle, living art that they are... and seeing them as inventory items.

even though i havnt bred leos i think of that two, but you shouldnt feel guilty. I love my leos and i never lost one, i don't know if i would be as emotional as you. We know how much you love all of your geckos. I think you should keep your gecko cages how you have them as long as there not all cramped up. i'm sure they are just as happy as long as you give them the same attantion. I wouldnt feel guilty about breeding leos because things are put on the earth and they are supposed to reproduce, to keep them going. They do it in the wild, whats the difference? I see some great geckos you have and produce, it would be a shame for you to stop breeding geckos.

 

[dprince]

Marcia, I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. *hugs you*

I would agree, there is no one like you in leopard geckos. That is what makes you so amazing!! You are definitely not a hypocrite; you are a loving human being who also loves leopard geckos.

That being said, ultimately, you have to do what is best for you. If breeding still brings you joy (even though it also brings pain), then you are still meant to be a breeder. If the joy is lost, and the stress is too great, you can always take some time off from breeding and see how you feel - maybe set up some vivariums again. Whatever brings you and your babies joy. :main_yes:

You will always the gecko whisperer as Mel says. No matter what your path may be, that will never, ever change.

Sending you big ginormous hugs, my friend. :main_yes:

 

[mmsi1002]

Marcia, i don't know you personally but you have given me lots of advice over the last year & the image i have of you is NOT a gecko mill. I don't think anyone could take better care of the amount of geckos you keep. Think about how many people got the perfect gecko bc of you. I've seen pics of your gecko room & your animals live better than some people. Don't beat yourself up, this community wouldn't be the same without the MOGL!!!!!!

 

[OhioGecko]

Marcia,

Wow, I feel for you and will pray for you. I don't know you personally but have used your advise in these forums for my geckos. You have a great heart and that is why you feel the pain, that is not a bad thing.

Imagine if you didn't breed geckos and you didn't make the decisions you have made. Would you still have been part of this community and saved so many geckos lives and touched so many people personally with your kind words and wisdom? Only you can decide where to go from here, but please don't doubt what you have done.

Unfortunately in real life money seems to drive what we do. It is great that you love Geckos so much and you are able to do that for your income. There are not too many people who can say they love their job and what they do. If you don't need the income or find something else to replace the income than maybe you can change your breeding machine. These are only decisions you ,and your hubby together if it is financial, can make.

Whatever you do Marica, stay plugged into the gecko community. You make a difference!

 

[moosassah]

Marcia you have saved more geckos than probably anyone on the planet. You help each and every newbie with patience. I honestly think that if you got out of the biz, you'd miss it terribly. I know the gecko world would miss you.

I hope that you pain eases up soon.

 

[david13]

I know i would miss you, you have answered pretty much all my questions (except for the pm i sent you 2 days ago). You are a great help and help a lot of people. when i first came to this forum, I could instantly tell you were the one to ask questions, only you can decide, But you have some beautiful gecko.(wink wink)

 

[Jacy]

I can promise you this...........

if we won't have met you we wouldn't have the gorgeous and growing clan that we have today.

Marcia at this point I can't even imagine Jacy without a gecko on her bed,
racks and incubators in her closet and mealworms and crickets on her floor just because.

What kind of life would I have had if we didn't meet you ? :main_huh:

 

[malt_geckos]

Marcia- I don't know if this is such a bad thing, you being sensitive about things. I know it's hard to lose a gecko since they are just like our pets. Yes, you may breed them, but you still love them. You breed them because you love to see the babies they make and bettering the hobby with your gorgeous animals. God knows where your heart is at so you shouldn't feel guilty. You are in no way greedy and trying to make a buck from them. You said it yourself, you stay up to hold and love everyone of them.

Selling them is difficult as we are going through the same thing here. I love everyone of our geckos and I too hold them and love them and if they would let me, I would cuddle them. lol. But you are selling them to people that love them as well. You sell them to people who are intrigued with the art you've made. It's just like a painting, you work so hard to get it just right. And then, you sell it to someone. Not to make money, but to show them your painting and how hard you've worked to make that art.

I too feel bad sometimes about keeping them in small spaces, but we can't give them tons of room like we want so we just hold them a lot.

Marica, I hope your health is going to get better and we are praying for you.

Just remember, God knows you better than anyone and all that matters is he knows you are taking care of his creations. He sees you loving on them, talking to them, and better than that, he sees the sensitivity and purity of your heart.

We love you Marcia!

If you ever need to talk about anything, I am here to talk to.

 

[mynewturtle]

Hi Marcia,

I'm not going to get into details. The gecko community would miss you severly. If you are going through a lot, I think you should just downsize your breedings this year. Those ones that you have turned into 'machines' as you have put it maybe let them have the year off and let your first time breeders do your season this year. Cut down the hatchlings for the season, this may help out your stress. As much as we say we love it, sometimes it is stressfull feeding 200-500 geckos per day. I don't know how you guys do it.


About the tubs. Casper from BCreptiles has made it so all of this 200+ adults have there own caging. You love these geckos so much that I think if this is affecting you, change in this system and leave the baby's in small racks. As by seeing your nice racks you could probaly sell them and buy most of the new cageing if you were to do that.

Marcia,

You know you can't leave us. Without you there would be so many people lost, so many people without geckos, so many unhealthy geckos.

 

[StinaKSU]

I think its great that you see them the way you do...Animals shouldn't be seen as inventory and a way to make money. Selling them shouldn't be about making money, but sharing wonderful animals and your passion with others. Do whatever you feel you need to do feel good about yourself and your animals. We all know that you care deeply about your animals and you should...anyone who doesn't, shouldn't have them. Every animal is an individual and should be treated as such. I think everyone here has deep respect for you and how much you truly care about every animal you own/sell.

 

[T&KBrouse]

I'm right there with you, Marcia. I'm taking down my breeder sign for good for that very same reasons.
I know your struggle and everyone here will support you in whatever you decide.

Be blessed and know you are loved.

K

 

[The Sunset Gang]

Marcia, I have known you now for almost a year. And you have left a lasting impression on myself as well as my family. You say you don't know if you are cut out to be a gecko breeder, which is hard for me to grasp because you have bred geckos for the last 13 years! Obviously you are cut out for it. I think that no matter what you decide, the gecko community will be behind you 100%. Know that you will always hold a special place in my heart, and I am here to talk to anytime. **HUGS**

 

[techgirl]

Marcia, I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time right now. Please do what is best for you, whatever it may be. We will be there for you no matter what. You have helped so many with the knowledge you have, impressed us and brought us joy with the geckos you have produced. I find it hard to believe that you of all people would consider yourself a gecko mill. Hardly. You truly love each individual gecko and know their personalities. A mill is interested in the bottom line, something I have never heard you say. I'll pray for you Marcia hope that it helps find you strength for what you need to do. May you find comfort in what you find. *hugs*

 

[Ccrashca069]

I am glad you are feeling better after we talked on the phone Marcia. You have helped me alot. My offer still stand if you ever change your mind. I will gladly keep some of them here and care for them for you. It would be my honor to help you that way for the help and advice you have given me.

 

[terrilg]

Marcia I am so sorry that you are in constant pain. I also have a pain disorder and it can be so hard physcially but also emtionally. I breed on a small level and thought of going bigger but so far have had some bad luck on the whole keeping the babies alive. It is so hard to lose each and everyone. I built a small rack system and placed all the tubs in and heat cable and then took my adult beauties and put them in the tubs and just could not stand it. God only knows how many time I have moved them back to the natural viv and rearranged smaller viv for the different sizes. At times feels like I am going in circles not to mention the pain I cause myself by constantly getting up and down to the different tanks. lol. My point is I am glad you are in this feild and wish there were more like you. You need to do what ever is best for you and your sanity. If you want to talk geckos or health please PM me. God bless. Terri

 

[Jacy]

John I think NOT

I will gladly keep some of them here and care for them for you. .

 

[eric]

Marcia what makes you a great Breeder IS the caring that you give each gecko. i know what impresses me most is the passion you have for your geckos the way you talk to them and it shows in your offspring you produce.if YOU stopped breeding the gecko world would truly not be the same! lets not go there!! i have the deepest respect for you as a breeder and a good friend. i know you'll find what works for you and your geckos.. what ever that choice is you'll do it nothing less than perfection!! much respect the other man!!

 

[Ccrashca069]

why not?

Contraire to popular believe, I am really an :angel: hehehe

 

[Golden Gate Geckos]

Thank you for the encouragment, everyone! I didn't post this thread to make it seem like I am a whiner or unhappy. I posted this because I think what I may be feeling is an important reality of breeding leopard geckos. It's one of the downside's to breeding animals, and so many of you that are starting out in this hobby/business really don't have the full story.

We are working with living creatures. They have needs, and it's our responsibility to care for them. It would be no different than breeding birds and keeping them in cages, or breeding fish and keeping them in tanks. We keep our cats indoors, and dogs in kennels.

Are the animals happy? I would like to think so.... because my geckos eat well, are tame to the touch, and are quite fat and sassy! My dogs sleep in their crates at night, and are happy to go into them at bed time.

Would I dream of becoming a rabid PETA supporter because I an against raising and breeding animals? NO WAY!!! I just wonder how the rest of the breeders out there deal with losing one of their geckos. Do any of you ever look at your racks full of geckos and think, "Am I doing them justice"?

I am raising the question to newbies and veterans alike... "WHY do we feel like we have to be BREEDERS"??? Why can't we just have them and enjoy them, like we do our other pets? I am not excluding myself from these questions. I am struggling with answering them.

Do most of the other 'big' breeders cry for two days when one of their geckos die? Do any of you look at all our beautiful geckos and wonder if it's humane to keep them in tubs? Do any other breeders look at how many geckos they have and ask themselves "Why do I have so many?"